Indiana cop scolds fast-food workers, forgot he ate part of his sandwich
An Indianapolis police officer — who didn’t give his name to media — recently apologized for driving back to a McDonald’s he’d recently visited to accuse workers of taking a bite out of his McChicken. After a formal investigation was launched, it was found that he had taken the bite himself and simply forgot. Sure, give this guy a gun.

Drunk woman calls police on suspected drunk driver
Breanna Dawn Hernandez, a 32-year-old Utah resident, recently called the police on what she thought was a drunk driver in front of her. What cops found when they got there was no other vehicle, just an empty bottle of Fireball whisky in Hernandez’s front seat and her screaming out the window: SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, COPS, COPS, COPS, COPS COPS! 

Florida man says the Navy should just drop ice in the oceans to fight hurricanes
Before Hurricane Dorian landed on the U.S. coast, Florida Today reporter Tyler Vazquez interviewed a man about what the country can do to help. “We have a Navy,” the anonymous man said. “Why don’t the Navy come and drop ice in the warm water so it can’t get going as fast as it’s going?” To be fair, the man spoke with a heavy New England accent — insert your own “east coast drinking bleach water again” joke here.


Fantasticly embarassing stories from our dear readers …

“I went to Target to get red Solo cups and ping-pong balls for a party. Met a guy, Rob, who rung us up and asked what the occasion was. I, being a lady, invited him to our party and got his number. We text a little and he said his ‘hobbies are having sex.’ Oh! He comes over, we have sex, he leaves. I was too scared to go back to Target for a few weeks, just in case he’d ring me up for something embarrassing like laxatives or something.”

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