Our monthly list of what and who were missed by natural selection. 

The total payout to each ticket holder of the disastrous Fyre Festival after bankruptcy proceedings suggested they would not get the $7,220 payouts they won in a class-action lawsuit against the organizers but instead get $280. In other news, Ja Rule 2022 tour tickets are going on sale for $280 a piece. 

Good Day 
For lobsters, a new study from the University of California San Diego has found that getting lobsters high before boiling them showed significant behavior changes and could limit the suffering for the crustaceans. 

Bad Day 
For the Massachusetts dispensary getting sued for $9 million by Sacha Baron Cohen, aka ‘Borat’ for illegally using his likeness next to the slogan “Very Nice!” on a billboard to promote its cannabis. We heard Sour Banana Kush delivers the perfect high for when you’re getting sued into bankruptcy. 

“When people are passing referenda to say, ‘We believe that we should have recreational marijuana and/or medicinal marijuana,’ that’s what we should do as legislators and as leaders in the executive branch.”
Wisconsin Democratic Governor Tony Evers in response to Republican’s voting against Evers’s proposal to re-introduce cannabis reform in the 2021-2023 state budget plan. Wisconsin Rep. Evan Goyke (D) couldn’t have said it better when he argued that the state is becoming “more and more of an island” as neighboring states adopt new cannabis laws. 

“Woke Coke” 
Drug dealers in Britain are seeing high demand for “woke coke” at posh dinner parties where the cocaine is “ethically sourced.” According to inside sources, users are paying through the nose for the new product. 

$6,000 Burger 
The World’s most expensive Burger featuring a Dom Perignon Champagne-infused bun with gold leafs, Wagyu beef, Macallan Scotch bbq sauce, king crab, Beluga caviar, Dom Perignon-battered onion rings and tomatoes … to name a few items on the burger. Make sure to tip 20%! 

New Word

A way for billionaires to express the size of their male genitalia in terms of being first to space. “It’s a race to see whose cocketship is bigger.” 

Space Jam: A New Legacy 
The only thing more painful than watching Warner Brother’s pile a bunch of celebrities, rappers and influencers into a Space Jam reboot alongside Lebron James was watching Peyton Manning throw a pitch at Coors Field. We get that half the country is a group of window lickers who will buy a ticket simply to watch G-Eazy or John Legend wax poetic in the cartoon lexicon but 

Word of the month 

First Bill Cosby was freed when the court overturned his sexual assault conviction on a “techinicality,” and then ‘Tiger King’ star Joe Exotic’s 22-year sentence for attempted murder is vacated by appeals court on a “technicality.” Remember, when in trouble, it’s not about doing the right thing, it’s about having the right attorneys. 

An MIT study from 1972 predicted that societal collapse would happen by the middle of the 21st century due to limits to growth. According to new research, society is right on track for this dystopia with a severe decline in industrial and agricultural output, and living standards by 2040.