The future is here! The future of drinking is finally here!

We've been saying it for years: the first person to invent synthetic alcohol that lets you party without the painful aftermath will 'A' be the richest person alive, and 'B' be our own personal Jesus. And by golly if it didn't just happen.

British professor and neuropsychopharmacologist Dr. David Nutt is developing compounds he’s calling “alcosynth," which he claims will deliver the same intoxicating effects as alcohol, but won't give you a hangover.

The compound is a non-toxic inebriant that saves your liver from the toxic throes of booze, thereby reducing hangovers, aggression and loss of control. And even though it's in the same chemical class as benzodiazepines like Valium, Nutt believes it will be non-addictive and will not cause any symptoms of withdrawal. But while physical addiction is supposedly a non-issue with alcosynths, Nutt admits that psychological or social addiction to it might be possible, just like it is with weed, or savory pastries. Mmm.

Fun factoid: Before he was giving you all an excuse to party on a Tuesday, Nutt was the UK's top drug advisor. He got all sorts of famous in 2009 for proclaiming that horse-riding is more dangerous than ecstasy, and that alcohol and tobacco were more dangerous than LSD. Which they are.

Now, the saintly man is making waves with a new mission: saving us from hangovers, DUIs, and bar fights where the issue at hand was that one party didn't like the other party's threatening vibez. Some see him as the new Alexander Shulgin, aka the chemist who gave us MDMA, 2-CB, and a shitload of other really great psychoactive drugs. Others see him as satan incarnate, facilitating a culture of partiers who don't understand savings accounts. Others just call him Dad.

Along with alcosynths, Nutt has a second offering for the world of boozers: a compound he’s calling “Chaperone.” Its purpose would be to attenuate the effects of real alcohol, the kind no one's going to be drinking once alcosynth hits the shelves.

Chaperone makes it impossible to become drunk to the point of incapacitation. Apparently, all you have to do is pop a pill with your booze, and you can drink all the live long day without batting an eyelash. If it really worked, it would even mean you could safely drink and drive. We love Nutt!

Now for the bad news: You'll have to keep drinking wine coolers and Tecate for a while, because the costs of human trials, legal bills, and strict drug liscensing will probably hold up the production of the drugs for years. Add to that the fact Nutt has applied for patents on 85 new chemical compounds, which all have to be independently reviewed and blah blah blah.

But that's okay, Peach Burnett's isn't that bad, is it?

Fuck. It is. The future can't come soon enough. Can you imagine world without hangovers? You'd never have an excuse to say no to anything. You'd have to go out on Wednesday. You could totally have sex with your dentist and puke because you feel so bad about it, but for entirely different reasons than because you're hungover. The possibilities are limitless, just like the bottom of your shot glass will be. Thank you, Nutt. You sure are a Nutty Professor. Horrible joke. Bye.