“The Federal Reserve” is a sopping wet blanket when it’s brought up in conversation. Not many people really know what The Fed is. They might vaguely remember it from civics class. They might have a hazy awareness of its relationship to the economy. But as soon as terms like “interest rates” and “inflation pressures” start getting thrown around boners die and coochies go dry. It isn’t a sexy topic. It won’t raise the hair on anyone’s neck. 

And what better cover for a diabolical money-conjuring, financially pre-eminent banking cartel?

The Federal Reserve is not part of the Federal government. In fact, it operates independently from the government almost completely. And the unelected chairs of its board have no term limits or public oversight. 

It also isn’t a “reserve” — or, at least, it has no reserves to speak of. 

So what the fuck is this thing? And why is it the subject of the Rooster’s acclaimed conspiracy column?

Because folks, the Federal Reserve — AKA “the Fed” — AKA “the Creature of Jekyll Island” (if you’re trying to get literary) — is the warlock behind the illusion of modern money. Behind all of its bland accounting, fiscal deliberation, economic mumbo jumbo, chairs, boards, committees, and stern-faced representatives, The Fed is a seductive menagerie of tin foil intrigue. 

So sit back, unzip, and get ready to get turned on to the real deal with the Federal Reserve. This is as steamy as this dry topic gets. 


Born on Jekyll Island

The Fed was conceived in 1910, in total secrecy by a conniving group of the world’s richest, most well-established bankers and politicians. They met on Jekyll Island, J.P. Morgan’s private resort off the coast of Georgia. Over a weekend of wild orgies, cocktails, long walks on the beach, and virgin blood sacrifices they hatched a conspiracy to hijack the financial system of the rapidly industrializing US economy. 

If the public had found out that these rival factions of the banking system were gathering to engineer this insane plot, there would have been outrage. People would have tried to stop them. Hence the secrecy with which this leering group of old-money power-hungry men gathered.

They had several goals: First, choke out competition of any new banks. Second, to make the money supply loan-based and elastic so they could manifest cash out of thin air. Third, they wanted taxpayers to cover all the inevitable losses their carousel of cash flow would create. And finally, they need to gaslight Congress into believing this was all to protect The Dear American People. 

They succeeded. Woody Wilson gave America’s consent to The Fed in 1913 — an action he later regretted. Today, our economy is completely bondaged, gagged, and controlled by The Fed’s complex system of credit. 


Goodbye Gold

The Fed played a major role in detaching “money” from tangible wealth. In 1944 it triple-teamed the gold-exchange standard with its proteges the IMF and World Bank, fucking it to death. That not only made money a completely elastic resource but a downright vaporous one. It became a resource of the imagination — Fiat Money  — something that could be inflated, deflated, contorted, bent over, spanked, pinched, and tickled at will. And most importantly, it could be controlled like a sub by the domination-obsessed cartels whose fantasy this was to begin with.

The global economic system took on a new personality entirely after that — one that was submissively reliant on these banking cartels to dole out wealth and determine global economic trends. 


The Money Machine

Today the Fed is our government’s sugar daddy. It’s responsible for “printing” all US currency, which is simple now that money is just credit — and credit is just debt. All The Fed has to do to “print” money is wave its magic riding crop and the fountains of cash spring to life. 

I put “print” in quotes because very little cash and coin are actually printed and minted these days. Money is now largely “digitally printed.” Remember the COVID Stimulus Bill? When that passed the Fed printed $3 trillion digitally — meaning someone just punched “$3,000,000,000,000” into a computer and voila! The economy was flooded with money (read: Debt). 

And inflation has been climbing steadily ever since. 


Juan’s Word: In a capitalistic world the dollar is almighty — so what does that make the dollar’s progenitor? In the simplest terms: It’s the giver and we are but receivers. And just like the relationship between master and servant, dom and sub, top and bottom, the roles are based on an imaginary, agreed-upon, premise: Money, aka credit, aka debt. 

From its insemination in 1910, the plan behind The Fed was to dominate the global financial system of the modern industrialized world. It succeeded. There’s no breaking the intangible bondage the Fed’s roped us up with. At this point, it’s hard to imagine a world without it.