As the Summer rolls in, so do our commitment issues. The winter months are behind us and now you need a creative way to break things off with that no-longer-so-special person in your life. Here’s a few ways you could do that.


Ditch Them on a Flatiron or Ski Run

Nothing says “I’m an elitist prick from Colorado whose only sense of self-worth comes from the three adrenaline-inducing activities I do outdoors” quite like breaking up with someone in the great outdoors. If your girlfriend or boyfriend isn’t quite holding a candle to how extreme you are, you could always leave them behind while you cruise the second flatiron. Better yet, why don’t you just leave them up at Copper? Turn your phone off and cruise back down to Denver. Four hours, 12 voicemails and 20 text messages later, you’ll be your own person again.


Start a Fight About Their Weed Use

Everyone knows that one of the best ways to break up is to attack their character to the point where it results in a relationship-ending fight, and we think Dr. Phil would agree. A little prod like “Hey baby, I don’t think you smoking entire grams of hash out of your multi chambered dab rig every day is really good for you. I think it kills your motivation and sex drive, not to mention you ate all of the pizza rolls,” will really help to get the ball rolling.

If they bring up concerns about your character, just deflect and attack them instead. We had a partner like this in college and they completely ruined us.


Have an Honest Conversation Referencing Incompatibility Concerns at Your Favorite Brewery

Those last two are a little mean, so we’re going to ask this: have you tried sitting down and having an honest conversation with them? Hell, it doesn’t even need to be at a brewery. You could do this one at a dog park, or maybe a Subaru dealership.

It can certainly be scary, but as adults with the capabilities of speech, we’re firm believers that talking to one another is probably the best way to hash out differences without being a selfish and emotionally avoidant douche canoe.

On the other hand, this can be daunting and difficult. Luckily, there’s always the ol’ Colorado goto…


Ghost Them

From our local college towns to the Denver metropolitan area, there’s no denying that this isn’t a Front Range classic. Why would you have an honest conversation when you could just dip out into the night, blocking numbers and social media accounts to never be seen again? 

Sure, this is definitely a fucked up thing to do, and we think it can have lasting implications to the victim’s confidence and sense of self worth, but hey, at least you saved yourself about ten minutes of cognitive dissonance via a challenging and vulnerable conversation, right?


Break up with them in your listicle’s sidebar

Hey Lindsey, we should probably go our separate ways. Your constant need for us to put our phone down and listen to you when you get home from work really makes us uncomfortable. Also, we don’t like how you claim that we weaponize therapy to say “that triggers our trauma response” every time we’re losing an argument. Plus, your sister really weirds us out. No hard feelings, OK?