Who really cares anymore, we’re just trying to see the TV the whole time anyway…
As reported before, research claims Americans now watch Netflix more than they eat, have sex or raise their children. With our primordial, evolutionary sole purpose now taking a backseat to more important things like Rectify, we decided to streamline the sexual position database with the more imperative task of binge watching.
Here are a few sex positions reimagined to suit your television needs.
‘THE SEASON PREMIERE’
Things are still fresh in the relationship. No need to for anything too complex. Our legs only have, like, 10 degrees of flexibility anyway. Do the deed and get back to what really matters — the next episode. If you want to go at it for seven straight days like Sting, practice tantric yoga or whatever it is Sting does.
More importantly ‘The Season Premiere’ allows each individual a clean line-of-sight for optimal television viewing at a time in the show that attention to detail is crucial.
‘THE ORANGE IS THE NEW HIT-IT-FROM-THE-BACK’
Moving forward with the relationship and, more importantly, towards the climax of the season, a little spice helps keep that dim, faint flame of desire lit. As a visionary band once put it: “You can do it doggie-style so you can both watch X-Files …” Little did The Bloodhound Gang know their wise words would still ring through nearly 16 years later.
'HE’S SEEN THE EPISODE AND SHE HASN’T, AKA REVERSE APATHETIC COWGIRL’
Netflix infidelity is real. This was supposed to be their show together. Their mutual bond. Some couples go on walks together. Outdoorsy couples hike and do things like buy Subarus together.
Not this couple. The weak male couldn’t resist knowing what happens to whoever at the end of episode whatever … so he's free to lie back and stare at the ceiling, which is better than staring into his partner's eyes, or worse, at the same episode he literally just watched. Been there.
She, on the other hand, gets to kill two birds with one stone in this position: passive aggressively avoiding facial confrontation with the man who broke her trust, and fully absorbing herself in the show.
'THERE’S NOTHING ON BUT WE STILL HAVE GENITALS, AKA THE HUMPING DEAD'
With the advent of Netflix and Chill, we as a sexual species haven’t necessarily needed to train or hone in on the intuitive art of foreplay. We simply plop down on a couch next to something lukewarm, bust open a can of chili con queso, press ‘play’ and wait for that sexy moment when one of the individuals takes the initiative to plank on the other person.
Problem with that, is once you start nude squirming, you pay more attention to each other than poor Walter White, and that's not fair.
Thankfully, this position solves the dilemma. It's minimally involved; all you've gotta do is lay there, put something somewhere, touch butts and conjure up a celebrity surrogate while both of your heads loll towards the warm glare of the flatscreen. It’s easy if you try, just remember to get each other’s names right upon climax. With that dram-com-rom heating up, no one has time for a break-up, let alone real emotion-like sensations.
'HE HASN’T SEEN THE EPISODE, AND SHE HAS, BUT IT’S KIND OF DIFFERENT NOW AKA CROUCHING TIGER GUILTY DRAGON’
Now it's her turn for a little unfaithfulness. We're only human after all. Purely monogamous television partnerships have not been independently observed in the wild. Scientists believe only the Pied-Billed Grebe is capable of such preposterousness.
So she skipped ahead in the season … the temptation is often too much. At least Rectify is just as bland while notably different viewed upside-down. *High Five.*
‘THE PRUNEY PINKY’
The season finale has just aired, and neither of them has faced the music, but each of them know it. It’s over. He’s limp inside of her now, flaccid as a dandelion. He may leave it there until next season …
With months before a new episode and hours upon hours of empty time between them, which now must presumably be filled with talking, and some other improbable mutual interest, the relationship may have run its course. At least post-breakup, there’s always The West Wing Wednesday watch-party there for support.