Surgeons say it's already been successful on a monkey, so … close enough.
Living life as an ugly son-of-a-bitch is a lose/lose situation for everyone. Ugly people don’t want to be ugly, and us beautiful people don’t want to look at your awkward little clubfoot anymore … honestly … it looks like a field hockey stick and it’s horrific.
But today is the day to for ugly and attractive people to rejoice in glee! For the end of willingly having an awkward body is here with new and improved head transplants!
This week, Italian surgeon Sergio Canavero and his team announced they have successfully transplanted a monkey head onto a different — but way more sexy and ripped — headless monkey body. Thus restoring hope for all the male Capuchin Monkeys in northwestern Brazil that were brutally mocked for their hopelessly feminine hips.
Canavero claims that the procedure will be ready for human trials by 2017, and his surgical team has already found their first human volunteer: 31-year-old Valery Spriridonov from Russia. Spriridonov, has an ongoing degenerative muscle disease that leaves him immobile and wheelchair bound.
It makes sense that transplanting someone’s head onto a newly functional body could be a medical miracle — restoring mobility to those who have been the victim of injury or disease. However, the ability to transplant one’s head onto a new body might also be used for much more useful things like allowing our intern to live out his dreams as a starting center in the NBA. *fingers crossed*
Though he was never blessed with a gargantuan 7-foot frame, Dr. Canavero and his cut and paste approach to medical research has given him hope that he will be tapping in rebounds and shooting awkward bigman free-throws in the Pepsi Center by 2018.