Science has put down a sizable blob of money to help you figure out what your drunk personality is.

So, you're at the bar, you're with four friends and you've all had exactly the same amount to drink, except there's a strange thing that's happening …

One friend is in a corner laughing at their own jokes, one is entertaining a group of strangers, a third is ripping their shirt off in preparation for battle, and the last one is talking to the bartender like they didn't just down five whiskey-vodkas. You might have wondered … the fuck? Why do all your friends act differently when they've had the same amount to drink?

Science has the answer. Psychology researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia have published a study in Addiction Research & Theory that supports the idea there are many distinct ways to be drunk. The study, which involves 374 undergraduates at a large Midwestern university, draws from literature and pop culture in order to conclude that there are four types of drinkers: the Mary Poppins, the Ernest Hemingway, the Nutty Professor and the Mr. Hyde.

Ernest Hemingway

The largest group — about 40% — is named after Ernest Hemingway, who used to posture that he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk.” Hemingways barely show a personality change when they're drunk-y and you might not even be able to tell that the inside of their body is largely made up of margaritas. They're the type to drink 41 beers, drive home, make an omelet (correctly and with finesse) and fabricate a synthesizer out of an iPhone cord and some grapes.

Mary Poppins

In contrast to Hemingways, Mary Poppins drinkers follow the “practically perfect in every way” persona Poppins embodies in the 1964 movie: they're already outgoing types who somehow get even sweeter and happier with alcohol. You can definitely tell they're drunk, but they're sure as hell not blowing it. They usually reach a homeostasis of inebriation in which their strongest personality comes out and they just shine like a diamond from Jared, the Galleria of Jewelers.

Nutty Professor

Named for Eddie Murphy's character who goes from introverted academic to chemically-altered heartthrob, Nutty professors are naturally quiet and reserved, but lose their inhibitions when they drink. Once the alcohol hits, they become flashier, more social, and way more fun. It's almost like alcohol gives them an excuse to grow a personality, but they also get so caught up in their own sudden bravado that they have a tendency to overdo it and drink past the point of being charming, all the way into bitch-zone.

Mr. Hyde

Mr. Hydes are the evil-twin drinkers who are, according to the study, “particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol.” These are the people that throw mattresses out of their third-story windows, sob into your armpit about how nobody understands them, fuck Subway sandwich artists, piss in your sock drawer and take a swing at you when you tell them you want to go to a different bar. They're likely so different when they're drinking that you've probably awarded their drunk personality its own name, and there's one person out of your friend group who's been designated their "wrangler." This person is the drunk-friend-whisperer and is the only one who can coax them away from the bar into the Uber.

The study authors want to use these categories to tailor treatments for alcoholism interventions to particular personality types … but you can use them to classify and psychoanalyze your friend group in order to subtly dominate them. You're welcome!