Whew! For a second there, we thought we were slowing down the obesity rate, what with Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign and those other public health they set up to stop our fat in its tracks. Turns out those things have only made our fat harder, better, faster, stronger.
Whew! For a second there, we thought we were slowing down the obesity rate, what with Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign and those other public health measures they set up to stop our fat in its tracks. Turns out those things have only made our fat harder, better, faster, stronger.
Our fat was all like …
In our fine country, the adult obesity rate is 27.7% so far in 2014. That's up from the 27.1% average in 2013 — the highest annual rate Gallup and Healthways have measured since beginning to track obesity in 2008. We're coming for you Mexico. It's time to reclaim our title as "World's Fattest Ass-est Place Ever."
And, guess what Gallup suggests the solution to this problem is? Be more like the people of Boulder, Colorado. That's you! Or, if it's not you, drive 20 minutes and … that's you!
Gallup says, "Communities may want to emulate localities like Boulder, Colorado, where residents tend to be very active and obesity rates are significantly lower than is found in other communities across the country."
Here's some fun obesity statistics to get you excited for all the drunk pizza and second dinners you're going to eat later.
And, because of Gallup's recommendation, we came up with a few ways by which the rest of the nation can follow in Boulder's skinny, weirdly muscular footsteps:
1. Put everything in your kitchen into a blender and blend it with kale. Drink this before you scale a frozen waterfall while listening to a Bob Marley/ Pretty Lights mashup.
2. Spend all your grocery money on weed. Whoops, can't eat for a week!
3. For every unhealthy thing you eat, put one "Coexist" bumper sticker on your Subaru Outback. Negative reinforcement: it's a thing,
4. Hide granola around the house in places where you'd least expect to find it: in your toothpaste, in your socks, in your hands, etc. When you find it, don't eat it, gross. But think of all the calories you'll burn wondering how that granola got there? Industry secrets, man.
5. Don't eat anything that's not Luna Bars.
6. Spend a week wandering in the mountains, dehydrated and hallucinating after you escape from the ayahuasca sweat lodge.
7. Pick up a pair of Crocs, then vomit uncontrollably when you catch a glimpse of yourself in a store window reflection.
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