For anyone who's trained their entire life in hopes of one day becoming a world record holder, international athlete sensation and all-around role model for kids everywhere, stop what you're doing. You're doing it wrong.
Usain Bolt, the world's fastest man and Jamaican demi-god, has a new memoir coming out called "Faster than lightening," where he documents his incessant chicken nugget usage and healthy diet of strange ass in China during the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
While in China, Bolt wasn't fond of the Chinese cuisine and therefore turned to obvious and more healthy alternative of McDonald's chicken nuggets.
“At first I ate a box of 20 for lunch, then another for dinner. The next day I had two boxes for breakfast, one for lunch and then another couple in the evening. I even grabbed some fries and an apple pie to go with it,” he writes.
We've done that before. Only we did so because we were on a three-day drinking bender that wasn't ending anytime soon and our body needed the fuel of champions. According to reporters with great math skills, Usain Bolt consumed more than 100 chicken nuggets every 24 hours, meaning that over the course of the Olympics, he annihilated around 1,000 chicken nuggets. That's quite the feat.
“Man, I should have gotten a gold medal for all that chowing down,” he writes.
You should have. Or maybe you should have received a coronary but what's the difference? Our main concern is that chicken nuggets in China are probably made out of dog or green slime. Just our two cents.
Nonetheless, for anyone jumping in their car and heading to McDonald's to carbo-load on the greatest stoner snack of all time, wait one minute. It's important that you balance this healthy diet of success with massive amounts of no-strings attached, uninhibited, random sex. According to Usain's testimony, his girlfriend of five years wasn't a concern.
“Ladies threw themselves” at him, he writes.
“I was able to get any lady I wanted . . . I could walk into a party and take my pick,” he writes. “I would go into a club and think, ‘Hmm, a’ight, which one? You . . . ? You . . . ? Oh, you! Let’s do this.’ ”
“We had one rule: If I was doing my thing with someone else and Mizzi didn’t know, then she was cool. But if she found out that something had happened between me and another girl, then that person had to go,” writes Bolt.
There you have it folks. If you're planning on dusting off the running shoes, tucking in your love handles and making a move towards being a professional Olympic athlete, imbibe as many nuggets of chicken as your liver, heart and kidneys will allow while sleeping with as many random people as you can get your greasy, chicken nugget covered hands on. This is the equation for success. Not all that other training bullshit. You'll thank us later for this advice.