Why ski when you can sit in traffic?

Thanks to every Coloradan's insatiable need to flaunt the number of days they've been up to the mountains (we've got 312 days bro, you mad?), Vail Resorts is enjoying record sales—up 21 percent—for its pricey Epic Pass, which provides buyers with unlimited access to all nine of its resorts plus complimentary white tiger cubs and unicorn tears. Luckily for anyone interested in actually skiing, this means only one thing: I-70 will be a car graveyard. 

That's right, everyone's favorite cDOT clusterfuck should be nice and congested right during the time you think it won't be. Sure the state's taken some of the tourist money from Vail's billion dollar revenue streams and helped widen the Westbound Twin Tunnels, but once the rednecks and gapers come into the state, traffic will likely clog up faster than the toilet after Thanksgiving. 

In defense of Vail Resorts, the number of mountain riders has actually decreased 1.4 percent over last year's record-setting number of skier and snowboarders. And overall, due to climate change and Hillary Clinton's hot flashes, snow conditions caused almost all winter resorts to see a decline in winter enthusiasts — besides Vermont, but the only people who like Vermont are the people who are from Vermont. Don't feel bad for Vail Resorts though, they're not struggling to find their next expensive lodge location on the mountain. 

"Our Colorado sales continue to deliver consistent growth, which has been modestly offset by softness in Tahoe after the challenging season for local skiers in that market," Vail Resorts CEO Rob Katz said. "We feel very good about how Colorado played out this year." 

Sure you do Robby. It's all of us that can't stand this constant barrage of shitty skiers and riders that are inevitably shitty drivers who can't figure out how to drive their Prius up the pass. Democratic state leaders are proposing a non-partisan bill to penalize drivers with inadequate tires who drive on the I-70 corridor, but we all know how competent our politicians are. Either way, bring on the long lift-lines and I-70 traffic jams, we have legalized weed to hold us over.