"This one girl, I kind of don’t even want to mention this one it’s so gross … "

Siobahn (pronounced “Sha-vawn”) is a 26-year-old retail worker who’s been an employee of the sales industry for close to a decade. She says that when November 1 rolls over on the calendar (now even weeks earlier in some cases), it signals the beginning of the longest two months of her life. It’s holiday season — the busiest in retail — and people are “complete fucking assholes” for the next 61 days in her world.

In Siobahn’s time behind the register, she’s seen the worst behavior out of adults she could ever imagine. From near felony child abuse to outright theft, she sees the most blatant displays of idiocy in people from all walks of life.

So we asked her: What are some of the highlights of your career?

“One lady, like 3 years ago, tried to return a sweater she had bought and worn many times over. She had the receipt, but claimed our computers added the date wrong on it because it was from a few years before. So she wore it for two years, decided she didn’t like it or wanted money back or whatever, and brought the old-ass receipt with her. We didn’t really have a choice but to take it back, as that’s our policy, but she came in with an immediate chip on her shoulder like we were going to be combative. Fuck her though, karma is a bitch.”
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“This guy wouldn’t stop hitting on me. He’d come in the mall everyday for months and just stare at women all creepy like. This was back in 2007, basically when I first started retail. Nobody listened to me or paid any attention to it until another guy employee from a kiosk in the hall noticed and got undercover cops to follow the creep. Apparently he would pretend to fall into little girls and get ice cream on them and then try to wipe it off. He immediately went to jail.”
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“I’ve seen lots of parents spank their kids in my stores. Which is fine, if that’s your technique, but some of them take it overboard. Like, too much. The thing is, this is in public, and watching a kid get slapped in the face or hit with a closed fist is frightening, not because of what just happened, but because of what goes on behind closed doors. You can’t say anything to them either, because they just get pissed and threaten you. It’s a lot of stores’ policy to not get involved. It’s one of the shittier parts of being in this position.”
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“Ah, this one girl. I kind of don’t even want to mention this one it’s so gross. I’d really like to forget about it, but I can’t. I just can’t. This girl, she was so drunk on whatever trying to shop. She threw up whatever all over one of the fitting rooms and started crying. She then started yelling at one of my employees claiming it was their fault because the store smelled bad. It didn’t smell bad. It smelled like a store. But she said it made her throw up and that she ‘wanted to sue every-fucking-one.’ Yeah, the cops arrested her, too. I’ve seen a lot of people be arrested at the mall.”
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“I’ve never seen any crazy sexual stuff, although I’m sure it happens in fitting rooms in other places. I’ve never seen it myself. I do get the occasional bro asking about women’s underwear and then hitting on me. Like either A) they’re trying to cheat on their girlfriend or B) they’re using a lame-ass excuse to talk to me. Either way, not gonna happen. I’ve never once met a customer I’d go out with.”
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“Last year a mom yelled at me for not having her daughter’s size in stock. We have this real easy system now where you can order direct from a kiosk and it will be in the store within a day, two at most. I told her that and she went on this rant about it being a scam and that I want to personally take jobs away from hard working Americans that rely on having sizes in the store. She was a nut. I felt bad for her daughter. The funny thing is that she’s right, I’m totally in cahoots with the government and want to take jobs away just for fun … “