"So you feel like you’re somehow superior to standers then?"

“You know what your fucking problem is?” my buddy once screamed across the bar. “You’re a coward, you probably pee sitting down.”

Up until that point, it was the greatest trash talking I’d ever heard. Here we were, about to get into another fight with a group of yuppie university kids a few minutes from last-call. Only this time, a well placed threat drew welcoming laughter throughout the venue and put the other dude in his place for long enough to bury the tension. That brawl never happened.

Either he couldn’t come up with anything better than that, or he did actually sit down to pee and felt embarrassed by it. Honestly, we'll never know.

But is that something we have to worry about as guys? Is sitting down on the toilet such an emasculating thing that the notion of it coming out in public is cause for ruin?

We found someone who openly admits to sitting down in his bathroom rituals, a guy who actually can’t remember the last time it was when he was standing to vacate his hydration. His outlook may change the way you think about your own life choices.

So, exactly, what are you thinking?

[laughs] Like, right now? Or about peeing to sit down? I guess, it’s just more comfortable, honestly. I stand a lot at work so it’s almost like a paid vacation when I get to go to the bathroom and just relax.

Do you remember the first time it was when you did it?

Oh, god, no, not really. I’m sure I was probably 3 or 4, potty training with my mom. I did it a lot in high school too and took a bunch of shit for it. But, I never really saw the issue.

Are you ever concerned when you have to use a port-o-potty?

Actually, yes. People are fucking disgusting. I can’t say that I know what it’s like being a woman at a music festival, or anything, but I do the hover maneuver most times. And it’s not easy. Mad respect for women with small bladders who like going to public events.

Why wouldn’t you just stand when you have the tools to do so?

Habit I guess. It’s not like I psych myself out beforehand and try to choose how I’m going to pee. I’m not a fan of public restrooms in general, though, so I try and avoid them when I can.

So you feel like you’re somehow superior to standers then?

[laughs] No, no, not at all. There’s no sit-superiority complex going on. I just like it.

Would the world be a better place if we all sat down to pee?

I mean, possibly. You’re very rushed when you stand, and like, make a ton of noise when it hits the water and then immediately have to shake and be done with it. You can take some extra time while you sit, just thinking about life. So, yeah, sure, if we all took some extra time to think about life we’d definitely be better off as a people.

Do you have any advice for someone that maybe wants to make the conversion into a full-time sitter?

Don’t forget to wipe the seat first, and don’t agree to do an interview about sit-down peeing. Do whatever.