The Battle of the Wounded Soldiers was a delicate experiment that taught us the meaning of life. Science, bitch!
The wounded soldier is a common casualty of the successful house party. Things turn up, the night gets late and revelers leave open beers out for no good reason. But what if the party needs to pick back up the next day — what to do then? Collect the damaged for duty, of course. Drink up! But which of the favorite party beers hold up to room temperature hang-ups and dust assaults? We left a few of our favorites out for 48 hours in a dingy closet to find out.
Pour out the ol’ “Number 33” into a glass and the results are fairly impressive. The pale lager retains its color and some of the fizz. Keep your nose out of sniff-shot, however, because Rolling Rock smells like a canoe’s underbelly when left out. The taste isn’t near as bad as some of the others, but the overwhelming funk trouncing through your nose is enough to evoke the gag.
Our two cents: Just don’t. It’s not worth it. If you’re really this hard up, seek professional, non-court ordered help.
Pabst Blue Ribbon
As it turns out, just like crabs and taxes, leaving PBR alone for a while isn’t the best plan. The bubbles are completely lost after a few hours and the color gets noticeably weaker. The off-putting smell is a face-puckering urea-type misery we’ve dubbed the “Pee-B-R Mephitis.” The taste isn’t much better, either. It’s flat, sour and makes you feel bad about yourself.
Our two cents: Whatever, your life, your rules. It is still alcohol and a few minutes to cool down in the fridge may do it some good.
Miller High Life
Damn, High Life, why you so good? We actually couldn’t believe our eyes at first. Out of all the brands, none of them fizz and retain color like the “Champagne of Beers.” The odor isn’t anything to balk at and we can’t really tell any difference in taste, either. Aside from being warm, the flavor is hardly at a loss. High Life is absolutely the front runner with its scale-tipping performance.
Our two cents: Go for it. Sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. We judge not.
We had high hopes for a beer that normally fulfills more than half of our calorie intake in any given week, but the Silver Bullet fell flat. Literally. If any of you have ever tried licking the side of an unwashed sedan you’re in pretty good know as to what this beer tastes like after going through the ringer. Even though it didn’t have any residual funk to its smell, the flavor was lost and so was our appetite for more.
Our two cents: Eghh, well, whatever — maybe thrown in the fridge you can throat it down later, but seriously we’ve got gallons of the fresh stuff in Golden. Go drink that instead.
Is anyone in Colorado really huge fans of Bud products anyways? Sure, we get shafted sometimes at venues and are forced to drink it on occasion, but buying it just seems like such a backstab to our great breweries here (even macros). So expectations were low, as they usually are with Bud products, but interestingly enough it wasn’t half bad being left out for so long. There was minimal fizz on the pour and any taste — good or bad — evaporated with its color.
Our two cents: Worse than a few, better than the rest. Bud Light is good for something in this town at least …
Fuckin’ Keystone Light, man, we couldn’t get away from this stuff if we tried. No college party is complete without it and even when you get older there’s still that one guy carrying a case of it with a letter jacket on he'll never part with. There may be good reasoning for it, too, because Key Light isn’t half bad after sitting in a closet for a few days. There’s no fizz and it’s a little filling, but it still smells and tastes like beer.
Our two cents: If you don’t mind being caught drinking the stuff in front of your friends then do it. A little warm and dusty beer never hurt anyone …