Hey, kids! Have a seat. Let's talk weed. Fake weed, in fact, and how the more of it there is, there more real weed there needs to be.

Hey, kids! Have a seat. Let's talk weed. Fake weed, in fact, and how the more of it there is, there more real weed there needs to be.

Fake weed, officially called 'synthetic marijuana,' is like marijuana on crack, with rabies, holding a gun.

Actually, we take that back. It's not marijuana. It's a mixture of shredded plants and chemicals, on crack, with rabies, holding a gun. It's just a bunch of assorted crap that looks like weed, but is far, far from it.

And when you buy that shit for $2 a pop on the corner from Killa Mike, it does not get you high. It does not calm you down. It does not make you giggle at the concept of elbows, or cure cancer, or help you sleep. It makes you agro as fuck. Like meth meets Adderall agro.

When smoked, it can cause hallucinations, paranoia, intense agitation and occasionally, cardiac arrest. In fact, synthetic weed is so dangerous that police have taken to affectionately calling it "weaponised marijuana" … you know, because it'll kill you.

But that hasn't stopped thousands of people across the country without access to legal weed from trying the fake stuff. Despite its numerous dangerous side effects and the distinct chance that smoking it will be the last thing you ever do, synthetic marijuana use is skyrocketing and it's stringing users out.

One video streamed at a NYPD press conference about increased spice usage showed a naked man, high on synthetic marijuana, ranting and smashing a hole in a wooden fence with his fist before being Maced and wrestled to the ground by a group of officers. In another video a man, also in the nude, crouched in the middle of a street, delirious, screaming at the ground.

Not exactly the chill vibes you get from actual pot.

According to the American Association of Polson Control Centers, there were 359 reported cases of illnesses related to synthetic marijuana in January alone. There were 273 in February and 269 in March. And then …. 1,500 in April.

Real weed, on the other hand, has claimed zero lives. And while misuse of legitimate pot can definitely cause anxiety and paranoid reactions, there's no such thing as a THC overdose. Spice, on the other hand, is sprayed with toxic synthetic cannabinoids which, you know, casually shut down organ functioning. Because the chemicals used in it have a high potential for abuse and no medical benefit, the DEA has designated the five active chemicals most frequently found in spice as Schedule I controlled substances, making it illegal to sell, buy, or possess them. Manufacturers of spice products attempt to evade these legal restrictions by substituting different chemicals in their mixtures, and by the time it gets to you, there's really no telling what it's made of.

Meanwhile, you know exactly what you're getting with real weed. THC and CBD, both of which have been declassified from the DEA's Schedule 1 list. Spice, then, is more illegal and more dangerous than real weed … yet real weed is still a federal no-no.

Even in Colorado, the great marijuana motherland, three people have died and 221 people were sickened from synthetic weed in 2013 alone. The subsequent years weren't any more promising as a smattering of deaths and poisonings continued to plague the state. However, since the start of 2014 when recreational weed was legalized, incidents involving synthetic marijuana did decrease overall.

This shows us that where real marijuana is decriminalized and/ or made legal, people lay off the spice … which, in turn, could save their lives. So, then, not only is real weed good for a variety of health benefits, it also keeps people from fucking with highly toxic alternatives like spice.

The bottom line is this: people shouldn't have to turn to synthetic marijuana. But, by keeping real marijuana illegal on the federal level, the government isn't giving people much of a choice. Instead, weed's continued reputation as a narcotic has people scrambling to ingest whatever they can get, which is oftentimes both toxic and fatal, two things real weed never is.

Legalization would give people the option to make the smarter, healthier choice. Of course, people will always try to fuck with synthetic weed and other more dangerous drugs that aren't legal pot, because people are dumb and sheep-like, but legalization would mean they have access to safe alternatives. Plus, the government could tax the shit out of federally legal weed and pay off a fraction of the massive national debt we've racked up during the last decade. Everyone wins.