This video is a fairly accurate representation of our Saturday nights.
Raccoons around the state scare the crap out of us. Bloated to the size of beer kegs from eating everyone else's garbage, they usually travel in packs and generally don't give a damn you're staring at them. They might pull their head out of the discarded pizza box just long enough to say: "You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker," with their eyes, and that's about it.
Really, they just seem like they could use a beer or two. That's why we love this video: instead of the bloodthirsty night terror that is a normal raccoon, the one below snuck into a brewery, went to town on stolen beer, and actually seems like he'd be cool to hang out with at a party.
That settles it. Next time we're walking alone down a dark alley, we're drinking a few extra cans of Keystone Light.