Way more fun and less deadly than Sochi, Rooster's Office Olympics are where the real athletes come to compete. And by real athletes, we mean the bored, procrastinating, and excitement starved desk-job workers of America! Looks like the stage is set for some good ol' fashioned inter-office competition, so, in the spirit of Sochi (minus the toxic, face-destroying water), let the games begin!
Screw Sochi. Rooster's Office Olympics are where the real athletes come to compete. And by real athletes, we mean the bored, procrastinating, and excitement starved desk-job workers of America!
What do we have that Sochi doesn't? How about 2,000 less dead stray dogs and a couch you can crash on? How about a shower that doesn't have a camera in it? How about a boss who is about to leave for a lunch meeting? Check and double check, captain. Looks like the stage is set for some good ol' fashioned inter-office competition, so, in the spirit of Sochi (minus the toxic, face-destroying water), let the games begin!
And to seal the deal, we've even come up with an official, HR-appropriate Office Olympics song for you! Here you go:
What you need: Stapler, staples, a target (secretary's boobs or intern's face work great).
Load up your stapler and fire 10 rounds of staples at your target. Whoever hits the target the most times gets promoted to "Assistant to the Assistant Office Manager." Movin' on up.
Copy Machine Butt Vault
What you need: Copier, electricity, butt
Begin 10 paces away from the copier. Get your butt out of your pants. Run towards the copier at full speed. As you spring off the floor, press the 'copy' button down, sliding your butt across the machine. You must land on your feet and produce a clear photocopy of your butt to medal. Extra points for getting some wayward testicle or boob in there.
Water Cooler Lift
What you need: A full one of those giant water cooler bottle-things, muscles, and measuring tape
The objective is to lift the bottle the highest without severing your spine and spending the rest of your life getting sponge-bathed by sad nurses. Begin in a squatting position with a firm grasp on the bottle. Slowly stand up and lift the bottle as high as you can, then freeze. Have someone measure the height of the top of the bottle, then go change the water bottle in the cooler while you're at it because you're obviously the only one who can.
What you need: Impressionable young interns who are just doing this to get into college, a fervent desire to crush their dreams, tape
Make a ring of tape on the floor. This is going to be your boundary. Select an intern, preferably one who still thinks the future is bright and full of hope. Remove your shirt to assert your physical dominance. Now, wrastle that sucker to the ground like Steve Irwin and all those alligators! Doesn't matter how. The first one to step or fall outside the tape boundary loses, and you better make sure it isn't you, otherwise that intern's outlook on life will remain positive forever.
What you need: Stairs, table, a heart of gold and a cranium of steel
This is a two-person job. Begin with the lighter of the two sitting on an upside down desk that's teetering precariously over the edge of a flight of stairs. The heavier person then pushes the desk over the stairs and jumps onto the back of the desk in one fluid movement, sending the table and the team down the stairwell like a fleshy missile. Lean back to increase your speed. Whichever team gets to the bottom the fastest, or without mutilating themselves, wins.
Office Chair Speed Skating
What you need: Two office chairs per person, tape, a pre-defined racecourse around the office
Tape one chair to each foot with the tape. You should now be standing on two chairs at once, using them like giant roller skates. Race against your fellow coworkers around the track to see who can make it to the finish line first. Extra points if you can do a Richard Simmons impression while you're up there.
What you need: a pad of Post-Its, and a mouth that can yelp "En garde! Touche!" with the zealous enthusiasm of a teenage Televangelist preacher
Begin in the traditional swordsman stance, holding a Post-It in your fighting hand and a pad of them in your defending hand. Then, lunge at your opponent with the Post-It. The aim is to stick five of those suckers on him before he sticks them onto you. Groin shots get you extra points and a talking to from HR.
What you need: three or more people, each with their own keyboard and computer, and a caller who will read the phrase to be typed
Line up the typists in a row. The caller calls out a phrase, which the typists must type as they hear it. Whoever makes the least amount of mistakes at the end of the phrase is a robot and needs to be taken to the Hard to Recycle Materials Center for immediate dismemberment.
What you need: As many whiteboards as you have, boxes or something heavy to lean them on
Arrange the whiteboards in a row, making sure that they're standing up straight and supported by the boxes. Then, run at them with all your might, leaping over them like hurdles. Whoever reaches the finish line without knocking one down or shearing off a testicle gets the good parking spot for one week.
Shitty Coffee Relay
What you need: two teams of four people, one full cup of shit office coffee in the cheesiest mug you can find for each team
Relay time, bitches. The first runner starts holding the cup of coffee. They run as fast as they can, without spilling the coffee to the next runner, passing the cup to them. Do this until you reach the last runner. The last runner must sprint with the cup to the finish line. Whichever team has more coffee in their cup and less all over their brand new J. Crew button-up they ordered off of SkyMall wins.
Sprint Away From Your Boss Dash
What you need: two fully functional legs, fear
By now, if you've done Office Olympics right, you've probably totaled your office. There's gotta be whiteboards on the ground, people laying motionless at the bottom of the stairs, all the sticky notes are on one intern's penis region, and everyone is covered in shit office coffee. Want to keep your job? Dash away from your boss as fast as you can. If you're able to make it to your car without him or her wringing your neck with the inescapable vice grip of a someone who's anger is fueled by years of workplace stress, you're a winner, just like your grandma said.