Have you ever wondered, dear young millennial, why you can't seem to save a measly $5 per paycheck so that one day, during a mid-life-crisis meltdown, you can by a convertible PT Cruiser? Well, turns out it's not because you're bad with money or economically ignorant, as your overachieving younger brother may suggest. New research shows that the reason you're not saving is because you're not making jack shit at your job.
 

Have you ever wondered, dear young millennial, why you can't seem to save a measly $5 per paycheck so that one day, during a mid-life-crisis meltdown, you can by a convertible PT Cruiser? Well, turns out it's not because you're bad with money or economically ignorant, as your overachieving younger brother may suggest. New research shows that the reason you're not saving is because you're not making jack shit at your job.

Millennial wages are falling behind the cost of basic goods, services and utilities, and many of you are going into debt to pay for a college degree that you'll probably use all of once in your life.

The disappearance of legitimate wages for young Americans is confounding because it coincides with what is otherwise a real economic comeback for the rest of the country.

Our economy has been growing steadily since 2009. We added 200,000 jobs a month in 2014. General U.S. wages are growing for older Americans, but still, wages for you and us and Bob over here are growing 60 percent more slowly than overall U.S. wages. How the shit are we supposed to save in the face of that? How will we ever afford a speed boat and an attractive 23-year-old mistress?

Since the Great Recession in 2007, the median wage for guys n' gals between the ages of 25 and 34, adjusted for inflation, has fallen in every major industry except for health care. Health care, it seems, is the precocious favorite son of the economy.

Healthcare is the only sector that didn't see a decrease in millennial's wage growth, which is probably because healthcare and health insurance costs are growing faster than your dick on Viagra. You should have listened to your Dad about becoming a doctor, you beautiful, beautiful fool.

Savings Rates by Age, Since 2004

There are, of course, are a few reasons for your inability to save.

First, and most obviously, that damn recession. The Great Recession of 2007 decreased American's spending on wholesale, leisure and hospitality, which make up more than 25% the jobs millennials hold. And you thought your English degree would land you somewhere hot. Nope; retail it is, you James Joyce lover, you.

Second, millennial jobs are being largely replaced with automation and software, which is ironic, because millennials are the generation most reliant on technology. A 2013 study by David Autor, David Dorn, and Gordon Hanson found that although the computerization of certain tasks hasn't reduced employment per se, but it has reduced the number of well-paying jobs. Cheaper jobs are all that's left for the nation's youth, and overall pay has declined. Gross.

Young people's wages have fallen between 2007 and 2013

Also, molly has become very, very expensive.

Just kidding. We meant to say legal weed. Or should we say "unattainably priced thing we can get on the black market from our buddy SkullCrusher."

So, how are millennials supposed to grapple with this shit pay that'll ruin them financially in the future? Here's a few ideas.

1. Ask your boss for a raise

Hello, this is Captain Obvious speaking. We've set the course for Obvious Island, and it looks like smooth sailing the whole way.

If you can prove you've earned it, ask your boss to work with you on your salary. That's something that's much, much easier said than done, because given the current recession, almost every boss will refuse your request using the current economy as an excuse.

"I'm your boss, nah nah nah," they'll say. "We'd really like to pay all our valued employees more, but unfortunately in this economy, we're all just lucky to even have a job."

But, if you employ the right tactics, you can circumvent that excuse and haggle your way up the pay scale. Here's a little video that shows you how.

 
2. Get a CD account
 
Set aside as much money as you can from you next paycheck, and put it in a CD account. The beauty of a CD is that you can't, for the life of you, get your money out of the account until a specified future time period, which means it sits in there, accruing interest, and you can't use it to buy a jet-ski. And while your interest rate will probably be low because of the economy and blah blah blah, you're still at least saving something, which is more than nothing. It's like a forced savings program.
 
3. Learn to forego sleep and get another job
 
Take the hard dick of the society like a champ by gradually decreasing the time you need to sleep every night as to open up more available work hours. Although sleep is a vital human function and without it you will die a slow death by insanity, it's much more important that you pay off your student loans, or at least that's what Uncle Sam whispered harshly in our ears last night.
 
4. Move to Armenia
 
The farmland is unprecedented.
 
5. Spend every last penny you have now because you could die at any minute, so what's the point?
 
This may seem nihilistic, but why not live life to the fullest while you're still here? You could die tomorrow for all we know, so why not drop a little cash on that coat made from porpoise eyelashes or a trip to Thailand to see your favorite ladyboy? Sure, you might end up broke and homeless if you survive the night, but chances are that's not going to happen if your ladyboy is still mad about that whole "you not paying her" thing. Ha ha.
 
God, with these options, we can only hope our parents live to 120 so they can continue to support us, or that some miracle occurs and vendors start accepting drawings of dogs as methods of payments. There's always value in art, right?