World Dominator Amazon to Lobby Congress for Legal Weed to Further Expand its Empire

World Dominator Amazon to Lobby Congress for Legal Weed to Further Expand its Empire

Some cannabis lobbyists have theorized that Amazon is supporting the legalization of cannabis in the hopes of one day taking part in the industry.

CultureOctober 11, 2021 By Marshall Dunham

As the growth for Amazon reaches proportions that almost certainly shouldn’t be allowed, the company is attempting to lobby congress to legalize weed in a desperate attempt to widen its employment base and envelop the whole world in what many are already calling “A Rube Goldberg Machine of Human Suffering.”

According to an article from Forbes, the company decided to push for legalization after realizing that the “national regulation of cannabis creates hurdles that undermine its growth,” which is essentially a fancy way of saying “We don’t have enough hands greasing our ravenous capitalistic machine, and in order to continue to strive for world domination, we’ve decided that people who smoke weed are allowed to work for us now in exchange for laughable wages.”

In June, Amazon announced that it wouldn’t screen prospective employees for marijuana use for positions that didn’t involve the Department of Transportation, instead opting to treat the plant like alcohol, which is a completely novel idea that we’ve never heard of before.

In addition to not screening applicants for cannabis use, the company announced that any employee previously terminated for cannabis use was once again eligible for employment, which has to be the biggest middle finger that one could give to the general public besides hoarding $192 billion of America’s wealth.

The company also allegedly advised its delivery partners to advertise that they wouldn’t screen for cannabis use, which is a move that supposedly would boost prospective applicants by 400% while simultaneously causing you to lose even more faith in humanity than you had already lost this morning. 

Just wait, it gets worse.

Some cannabis lobbyists have theorized that Amazon is supporting the legalization of cannabis in the hopes of one day taking part in the industry, and, in case you’re unaware of the current state of the cannabis industry, that is the absolute last fucking thing it needs.

Currently, there are three bills in existence that have the power to change cannabis laws in America.

The Marijuana Opportunity Reinvestment and Expungement (MORE) Act would end the criminalization of cannabis by removing the drug from the controlled substances list. It would eliminate most criminal penalties associated with cannabis and expunge prior convictions.

The Secure and Fair Enforcement (SAFE) Banking Act aims to, you know, fix the gargantuan clusterfuck that is banking within the cannabis industry

The Cannabis Administration and Opportunity (CAO) Act, which is definitely the least creative acronym out of the three, would also seek to remove the drug from the controlled substance act.

With three bills in the house this year alone, it’s nice to know common people like us have a conglomerate like Amazon on our side.

Indeed, nothing brings us more comfort in knowing that while our current president ran his 2020 campaign with promises of decriminalization, it’s actually going to take a company that should be the poster-child for the game monopoly to finally get this nation on the right track.