We were all once vibrant youngsters who thrived on adventure and the thrill of a night on the town. We used to throw on our best outfits, chug down some Four Lokos, and dance with sexy strangers in dimly lit clubs. But it seems our days of going out and getting lit are dead and gone, as most Millennials have inevitably come to realize that leaving the house is way overrated.
"They're the greatest generation—of couch potatoes," claims a New York Post feature about our age group’s homebody habits. This article and countless more like it are expressing a profound concern with today’s youth, who have become the first era to recognize that going out actually sucks.
Going out is costly, it’s crowded, it’s too loud, it smells bad, and the local DJs suck. We don’t want to fork up our precious cash just to step inside some shitty club’s walls, squeeze through countless sweaty men to reach the bar, then pay top dollar for a vodka Sprite and walk away with a vodka water. We’re completely content to sidestep these disappointing Saturday nights, and remain warm, hidden, fed, cushioned, and entertained indoors.
But our unadventurous attitude has sparked abundant grievances from our elders. We’re streaming more television, spending more time on our phones than older generations do, and all too often choosing to spend a quiet evening at home. It seems even when we do venture out into meatspace, we’re not even cool enough to get drunk.
In its case against us, the New York Post’s “Millennials Don’t Deserve NYC” feature quotes a 2016 survey by Heineken, which found that when we infrequently hit the bars, 75 percent of us drink in moderation. Ironically, it seems instead of taking pride in our safer, more coherent habits, older generations view our minimal alcohol abuse as damning evidence of our lameness.
The old fogies fretting over our laid-back lifestyle worry that we could bring the country to economic collapse. A Forbes feature entitled “Millennials Gone Mild” cites our hermit habits as the reason that over 10,000 bars have shut down in the past decade, 6,500 nightclubs have closed up shop within the first year of operation, and most Atlantic City casinos are on the verge of bankruptcy.
But is it really reasonable to criticize our disinterest in gambling away our hard-earned money and going out to bars or clubs to pay top dollar for grain alcohol? The members of our generation aren’t big spenders and risk-takers. We tend to prefer experiences over buying things and accumulating stuff. We value our travel, hobbies, and the pictures capturing these memorable moments in the same way our parents valued fancy watches and fast cars.
We grew up in the midst of the Great Recession, accumulated student debt up to our eyeballs, and have so far ended up poorer than our parents, yet our money woes are seen as unwarranted. We don’t want to spend what little funds we have out of fear that our youth will be wasted if we don’t spend Saturday night puking up overpriced Jack and cokes.
Our love of lazy evenings must be celebrated. For most humans who have ever lived, the safe satisfaction of our generation's typical night in represents an impossible pinnacle of luxury. For eons, people have had to worry about drought, famine, disease, and a band of bearded swordsmen riding into town to rape and pillage. The simple luxuries of a craft beer, a Domino’s pizza, a roof overhead, and a screen capable of endless entertainment should not be undervalued.
So stay in tonight. Sleep when you’re tired and wake up feeling rested for once. You certainly won’t be alone. It seems nowadays, painting the town red is for schmucks.