Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


You live to serve, and this month you’re feeling like the key to your own satisfaction is on your knees. Good thing your legendary please-others attitude will pay off and you’ll be rewarded with some karmic sexual retribution for your good deeds. So lick those lips, put on some patella-supporting knee pads and trim that winter bush — the tricks are cumming.


Saturn and Pluto are squaring off near the end of the month, so blame any intimacy issues on that motherfucker of an astral combination. All April, you may find yourself more and more grossed out by the concept of relying on someone else for happiness and orgasms, something that may lead to a brief period of isolation. A great time to YouPorn “sad lonely masturbation tips” if you ask us.


This April, Mercury makes you aware of a stark contrast in what you want and what’s available. Remember, there’s a difference between your ideal mate and real life … so take this time to revise the playbook and make sure your standards aren’t too high; you might find it’s easier to get those rocks off with the lights off, as it were.


Did you just go on a date with someone you feel like you’ve known your whole life? Crab-walk on over and sit in their lap because they might be a past life or karmic soul mate. This person may seem perfect until about mid-month when you start to feel things are moving too fast … of course that’s only because they jumped the gun on their “poo fetish” disclosure.


Thanks to Cancer in your seventh house, you’re feeling all loyal and domestic lately.That’s super Instagrammable, trust us, but don’t forget to leave a dash of mystery in your relationship lest the passion begin to fade. Make yourself unavailable (and therefore more desireable) to your partner towards the end of the month if you want to keep that flame burning near, but not in, your pants.


This month is all about social partnerships and networking. You’ll find you’re stronger with the help of others, and your hand (even if you sit on it long enough for it to go numb) is no substitute. You might be feeling a little nostalgic for old fuck buddies, but don’t deny yourself a chance for reflection. Even if they’re unavailable now, remember to stay in the moment and appreciate what’s at hand! Which is yours!


You’ve been feeling super confident you big-ass Libra, and this month, that confidence will finally pay off when you realize it’s time to put your needs first. What do you need sexually, what are you into? Demand it from your partner or ask your Tinder-slut network if they’re into it. This isn’t the month to let your fantasies remain hypothetical. Rummage through his or her anus now, because there might not be a tomorrow.


This month, many people may ask you if it hurt when you fell from heaven. And knowing the year you just had … yes. Yes it did. It hurt bad. And whatever’s hurting you will continue to do so until you give up your current hermetic period of emo self-loathing and fuck about 15 to 50 people. No reason to be selective, sex this month is about self-healing and confidence building, so if you need to slay some dragons to get to the prince or princess … slay away.


For you, April is more a month to cuddle than to cuckold. To sew rather than suck dick. To filet a fish rather than fellate a fisherman. What we’re trying to say is that this month, your usually high sex drive is replaced by a rather uncharacteristic need for sweet coziness. This will manifest itself in a whole load of emotional, rather than physical intimacy. This is absolutely terrible.


This month, the stars indicate that, if you’re going to start a relationship with anyone, you’re going to start one with yourself. That hardly means introspection or self-growth; instead, it means you’re going to fall for someone who is a literal carbon copy of you. And while fucking your physical and emotional twin might initially seem fun, man is it creepy to watch. Close your blinds. Please.


Your big problem in the sex/love world is that you want your freedom, but you don’t want your partner to enjoy the same setup. Thankfully, April’s astral configuration makes that entirely possible when you meet someone with a weirdly low sex drive who doesn’t mind you 69-ing other people as long as it’s them you come home to. This person will be a life-sized Bulbasaur blow-up doll, but that’s irrelevant as long as you respect its wishes.


Okay fishy, it’s time to swim upstream for the spawning season and leave all the emotional baggage of last month behind. Cosmically, you’re perfectly poised for a little molting, so shed whatever shackles have been keeping you back and evolve into the sexual phoenix that you are, despite the biological impossibility of this animal metaphor.