Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Mars takes a trip through your eighth house this month, signaling nothing short of a small sexual revolution for you and your dangly meat-bits. Prepare for whatever ideas you previously had about sex and sexuality to expand in unexpected ways — for example, you might find yourself attracted to people you never noticed before, or someone might fuck you so good you see God and get all sex-religious. Whatever change you undergo, it’s sure to make you less intolerable.


Your primary mode of dealing with conflict is to run away at a slow gallop, but that won’t work this month. With Jupiter in your seventh house, you’ll be forced to address whatever issues you have in your love life head on, meaning you’ll actually have to tell your partner the things you never wanted to … like that they smell like poisonous herbs and that you fucked their Dad. Any method of communication other than brutal honesty will feel gross and wrong … unlike said Dad.


One of your most attractive qualities is your biting sense of humor, something that’ll come in  handy when Leo enters your fourth house mid-month, putting you in the spotlight of your social interactions. If you can manage to use this influence to make people laugh, you should have no problem sorting through the flock of nude and willing devotees that accumulate around you. Being the world’s sluttiest person is as easy as opening your mouth this month. Yay for ass!


Your natural energy hits an all-time high this December. Physically, you’re pulsating. Mentally, you’re throbbing. You can’t slow down or ease up, so it’s no surprise that the type of sex you’ll be having this month will be of the frequent, rapid-fire genealogy. We hope to god you have a partner who can keep up — or at the very least, some heavy-duty lube — because having to suppress this amount of unreleased sexual energy will turn you into one hell of an insufferable asswipe.


Your ability to connect with unseen higher powers and levels of spirituality beyond most people’s perception often gives you a sort of cult-leader appeal, wherein large groups of people throw themselves indiscriminately af you. Ironically though, this position is a lonely one. You feel no one really gets you — in fact, you almost resent them for making it so easy to bone. Deal with that bullshit by seeking out someone just as culty as you: Leo or Scorpio are both fuckin’ crazy.


When it comes to sex, you’re really good at receiving, but when it comes to giving, you get a little surly. You’re so addicted to the feeling of pleasure that you feel entitled to have it for the full duration of your residence in Pound Town, USA, which is great, but you don’t have to be an astrophysicist to know that sucks for your partner. This December, focus on coming to more of a compromise when it comes to fucking. Turns out you ou can get pleasure from giving it … dude.


Flirtation levels are at an all-time high for you this month. You’re overcome with girly little crushes on everyone within a three mile radius and you seem to know exactly what to say to say to keep them on the hook — interested, but not exactly stalking you. All December, you’ll enjoy the titillating time-suck of keeping up these almost-relationships until the stress of it explodes in your face like the Yellowstone Supervolcano and you panic-pick one. Fun?


This December signals departures or goodbyes for Leos everywhere. This could be either good or bad depending on what skeletons you’ve got in your closet, but either way, expect a bit of relationship housekeeping this month. Once-strong relationships may deteriorate, and pointless ones will all but disappear. It might feel lonely if you weren’t so memorized by YouPorn.com and the sight of your own reflection.


As you know, confidence is a major reason anyone wants to fuck you, but for you, confidence is more of an inner thing you don’t overtly show. Thankfully, you can get around this by doing what you do best: organizing people and bringing them together. When people see how naturally talented and comfortable you are with social networking, they’re much more likely to attend the New Years orgy/ paella cook off you’ve planned.


Some really interesting things could happen to your genitalia this month if you’re able to spend time in places of education. Because you’re so painstakingly mental, the psychic stimulation of learning is likely to also stimulate your libido. Try a place where you can learn something provocative or even controversial; the heated intellectual discussion you can have after is sure to lead to heated you know what … “It.” We mean you’re gonna do it.


He or she is not going to text you back. Sorry. It sucks. But with this month’s configuration of Mars and Neptune, the last thing you can expect is the response you want from the person you’re into. The only thing to do is get off your phone and get into the real world where you can meet a new and exciting array of new people who will — drumroll please — keep disappointing you until the new moon in February 2017!


Sexual tension is the reason you exist this month. You’re addicted to the feeling of power and longing you get when the electricity surges between you and someone new, but there’s a problem: once you act on that tension, things fizzle out and get drab real quick. Before you know it, you’re out again the next night searching for the same fix, stalking the night like a sex-crazed demon baby. A solution? Thirteen lashes and a cold shower. You need to chill.