Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Your determined nature will come in handy this month when you start hooking up with someone who can’t cum. It’s not that they don’t like sex, it’s just that no one’s really ever bothered to figure them out. You, however, willingly spend hours learning what they need. Problem is, once you figure them out … it kills the mood for you. Now you're stuck with a ton of knowledge and nowhere to put it to use. Well, at least now you own an 10-speed industrial Hitachi wand now! Great job.


This January, your unpredictable nature concentrates itself toward the end of the month when the sun moves into your first house. You’ll surprise everyone, but most of all yourself when you start going for people you’d never normally go for: the fedora guy by the jukebox, the chick with a boa constrictor named Rosie, Fat Albert, the Ghost of Christmas Past, etc. You don’t got no type. Bad bitches the only thing that you like, surprise!


You get really pissed when you don’t have good horoscopes, but what can we say? The zodiac took a giant Chipotle E.coli shit on you in 2015. However, 2016 is shaping up to be decidedly less poop-filled, as Venus moves into your fourth house. This means you’ll be feeling progressively more romantical as the year goes on … just remember that just because the blow-up doll can’t talk doesn’t mean it doesn’t love you back.


You’re a lovesick puppy-man/woman who’s capable of finding an alluring trait in pretty much everyone you meet this month. You’re acting like you’re on drugs, and the rest of the zodiac wants some of what you’re having. No matter where you go, you’re likely to meet a friend with an available orifice, and that available orifice will be beyond flattered you think they have such nice earlobes or whatever dumb line you used to seduce them.


You’re typically great with money, which is why you can afford all these hoes. You love wining and dining your potential coital conquests, but don’t get such a big head about it that you can’t appreciate it when they try to take you out. You’re not a submissive little man or a societally maligned female minority just because someone bought you a sandwich then fucked you for 11 average minutes.


This month, the stars intensify your gentle, affectionate nature so that any relationship you chose to undertake will be underscored by super-cuteness, awwwws, and fuzzy wuzzies. This is pure hell to watch from an outsider’s perspective, but any sexual or long-term thing you take on now is likely to both last and be not-that-terrible because you go into with such a sense of disgusting adorableness.


If there’s someone who you can’t get out of your mind this month, it’s because your emotional, highly sensitive personality takes hurt and rejection very seriously. But remember, there’s a reason why this person isn’t in your life anymore, and it’s because they’re a FUCKING DICK-ASS WIENER ROBOT WITH SMALL TEETH AND A RANK ODOR. Plus, their head is stupid anyway.


FINALLY. IT’S OVER. Your hellacious rollercoaster of romance has finally run off the track and imploded, leaving you heartbroken and shattered into a million pieces. Of course, the stars are doing this to you on purpose; they clearly want you to have sex with more people. Take this as a sign from the universe that it’s time to anesthetize your emotional pain with bouncing butts and nuts.


You can’t stand conformity, so whatever the majority of your friends and family are doing right now, you want to do the opposite. That might even mean breaking up with your partner just because all your dumb friends named Allie are getting married. That’s cool that you’re a rebel without a cause or whatever, just realize that all the effects of your nonconformity are permanent. Don’t get married just because Allie’s getting divorced again, that slut.


All work and no play makes you a dumbass, Virgo. This January, focus on fixing the incredibly unbalanced work-life balance you’ve created for yourself by finding a nice co-worker to bang. Since all you ever do is work, combining your love life with your job might be the best thing for you; plus you’ll appreciate that the both of you mutually love ergonomic office chairs, or the smell of perfectly calibrated printer ink or something. Getting wet right now just thinking about it.


You love keeping secrets about other people, but you hate when secrets about yourself are revealed. This’ll come into play this month when word gets out that you like it in the butt, and before you know it, your secret’s out and everyone’s calling your Buttsex Kathy or Anal Dave. Don’t let it get to you, the more than you can own your rectal prowess, the greater chance you have of meeting someone you shares your passion for poop pushin'.


You’re a weird person, because you want your partners to be intellectual, but at the same time, you’ll fuck anything that moves just for the story. That combo of smarts and availability is usually a tall order, but this month, you have some luck attracting someone who embodies both brains and a heartbeat. This is because Jupiter makes you intensely philosophical, meaning that anyone who’s interested in probing life’s deeper issues will likely end up, cough, probing your deeper issue.