Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and first few drinks.Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and first few drinks.

After last month’s deleterious e-dating failures, you can’t help but think you might do better meeting potential fuckbois or baes in person. But, given the current astral configuration, no. For you, March is about withdrawal into yourself, and part of that means never talking to anyone you want to fuck until April … unless it’s on SingleRavers.com. That’s a different place and you know it.

So many people base their attraction to others on the qualities of their parents, but not you. Given your independent nature, you’re likely to go for anyone who exemplifies only un-parental qualities, like having multiple abortions and eating macaroni. But, keep in mind that if you truly want to settle down one day, you’re going to need someone who has the same despondent attitude toward you as Daddy did. Trust.

This month, you might feel more alone than you usually do. Whether that’s because you’re single, your S.O. is M.I.A. or you lost your vibrator in the couch cushions, take this time to focus on your social life instead of your sex one. You have a truly magnetic personality, and once people start to see that, you’ll realize you’re less alone and more surrounded by well-lubed genitalia.

Your most favorite thing in the entire world is to dedicate yourself wholeheartedly into something, but we’re willing to guess you never thought that thing would be lesbian Jell-O wrestling. The stars did though, because they know you live for the fringe, the quirky, and the WTF in life. This March, the men upstairs are practically begging you to embrace that side of yourself. It’ll help you suck less when you’re 60.

Good graciousness, you are testy in fights with lovers. Good thing the zodiac has gifted you with a generous sense of calm throughout the upcoming month. Use it to explore the softer, more emotional side of sex, and if you think we mean anal, you’re right. March is the perfect time to take ordinarily rough matters and smooth them out with this Midas touch of gentleness you’ve been feeling. Congratulations.

For you, March is all about commitment. Mars is in your house of domesticity and long-term goals, which means that if you have a romantic aspiration, you’re likely to achieve it this month if you facilitate it through your home. Yes, this means you should take down the watercolor portraits of yourself that your blind cousin made and yes, this means you have to put away the ferret.

We’re just going to tell you right now that no one in the zodiac is having more sex than you right now. Astrologically speaking, you’re wide open and we could apply that same metaphor to your orifices. You have a no-holds-barred attitude this March, which means you’ll be winning in the quantity department; just make sure that the quality of people you let lick your taint is slightly higher than it was when you were looking for people to bleach it.

If you just met someone you think you could introduce to your dog, March will be the month you decide if they’re worthy. The stars are making it clear that you should do this sexually; base whatever subsequent feelings you have about them on how exquisitely they’re able to recite Civil War confederate concession speech lines during your historic role-playing sessions. If they can play the part of Ulysses S. Grant, they can play the part of fuck cushion.

Your ruling planet, Saturn, is in alignment with your house of personal advancement. Don’t look at us for what that means, we’re not in your life. Instead, think about how you can get ahead professionally, creatively or sexually this March. Basically, if you want the green light to sleep your way to the top of the Little Caesar’s managerial ladder, you have it.

If there’s someone in your sex life who keeps letting you down, just know that it takes a really strong person to be able to let them go. Too bad your easily distracted nature is so ADHD hellbent on distracting you from your problems, you don’t have to be a strong person to let Senor Shithead go. All you have to do is catch the glare of something shiny, like tin foil or toxic thermometer mercury with your eyes and you’ll be good to go.

This March, you’ll have to be very verbal about what you want in bed — you’re pretty much the only sign that’s capable of communicating like a real human this month. But be careful who you’re talking to; just because you’ve been blessed with the gift of gab this March doesn’t mean just anyone will understand when you tell them, “Fuck me like a show pony fucks the bigger horse it wishes it was!”

You’re very apathetic about most things that aren’t art or music, so this month, turn to those areas when you’re looking for bedroom inspiration. Think about how your favorite artists or musicians would have fucked their model girlfriends and boyfriends, then emanate that in your own life. But remember “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” is a terrible place to start, so don’t even go there, Bucko.