Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: it’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.


Saturn moves into your sixth house this month, which means you’re more concerned with money than usual — which is a lot, because despite your intelligence, you’re a shallow, flesh-eating-amoeba-infested stillwater pool emotionally. Because of this, we wouldn’t be surprised if you found yourself turned on by some kind of sex-for-money situation. Sugar Daddy? Foot modeling? Panamanian hooker? … Yes.


This month, your career starts to work for (instead of against) your love life when recent advancements at your job start to make you seem real hot and steamy. Your prowess becomes your sexiest feature and your accomplishments will finally give you the confidence you need to go after your crush. Just be careful to stay humble about your “Apple Store Employee of the Month” badge … everyone gets one, man. Even Duncan.


This March, Mercury rules your sign, suggesting you may have some confused feelings about a romantic figure in your life. One moment, you’re not into them whatsoever, but the next, you you’re drunk-crying into your drunk pizza because you drunkenly saw them with another man or woman. The fact that you can’t make up you mind probably means you should let it go; leave that level of uncertainty for meteorologists and Chipotle customers.


All the zodiac signs have designated body parts, and yours is the head and face. Use this to your advantage this month by focusing on making eye contact with the people whose genitalia you’d like to gargle. Practice in the mirror and get a really good sensual stare going, and when it’s ready for action, unleash it upon the world. The people will appreciate your intensity as long as you don’t lick your lips and say “Eeee!” while doing it.


Finally, after a winter spent shackled inside, you’re beginning to resurface from your domestic incarceration and slut it right up. If you’re single, this is just you being you, only thawed. If you’re in a relationship, you might find the urge to break free just as you have from the frigid Colorado nuclear winter. Make sure you’re not making any rash decisions and we can promise you won’t have to make any … rash decisions. Like chlamydia or butt AIDS.


You have a weird tendency to stay in relationships because your partner is dependent on you, but after a while, you begin to resent how much they need you. Thing is, you don’t have to suffer this internal struggle. Once you realize that relationships are best when they’re both independent and codependent, you’ll be much happier. Oh, also, one more thing: kegels will change your world.


March is National Sexual Tension Month as one of your friends starts to evolve into something more. The electricity between you could practically power a Costco, yet you’re both scared to risk your friendship by making the first move. This is a problem best solved by having a threesome, in which the third party initiates the sex having. That way, you can play it off like you were just going with the flow if it turns out they’re a dead, dumb fish in bed.


Your normally confident demeanor is called into question this month when your crush doesn’t seem as interested in you as they usually are. In reality, this is just them living their lives and not doting over you, but to you, it seems like distance is growing. Use your oral cavity to talk it out with them or your fragile ego will lead to sulking and saggy boners. Otherwise, you’ll have a toddler-esque fit when Mars goes retrograde, and … honey, no.


You’re so grounded and logical that sometimes you forget that love and sex can be kind of magical. This’ll all change in March when you fall for someone who is weirdly good at magic. This doesn’t have to be literal magic — but wouldn’t that be hilarious? It’s more just that you’re attracted to people you don’t understand, or Craigslist personal ads that are more mysterious than concrete. Jacking off to Harry Potter wouldn’t hurt.


March is a particularly erotic month for you. Venus in your seventh house enlivens your senses so that you can find pleasure in almost anything, something that’ll come in handy when you’re put in a position where you have the opportunity to make someone else’s fantasy come true. You might not personally be aroused by suspension bondage per se, but hey, your partner is, and if you can get off on them getting off, we all get off.


You probably thought you’d never see or talk to the person you’re fucking right now ever again after the last time you broke up. But, now that your breakup level has reached a record 14 times, you’re starting to realize that you just really like their apartment. It’s full of candles, and there’s a nice rug and shit. All sorts of baubles. You like baubles. Plus, it’s always 69 degrees. Don’t give that up.


This March, you have to travel. The stars are throwing vacationing in your face, and this is exactly the kind of news you need for your sex life. Although it’s been pretty chill back at home base, vacation sex is the best sex because of the whole “where am I, who is this, who’s sucking my scrotum” thing. Trust us, all that can be yours for the low, low price of thousands of dollars. Enjoy!