Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Hooking up: It’s all in the stars … and the first few drinks.

Mars and Venus are square to each other, but your moon is nowhere in sight this month. This can only mean you’ll be so fertile that you’ll literally get pregnant every time someone mentions a big and toasty Quizno’s sub, now topped with zesty pepper jack cheese and melty steak, available at participating locations now through 2055 — it happens infrequently, but still.

If you’ve been looking to downgrade your status from “in a relationship” to “miserably alone,” then October is a great month to do it. Neptune, the planet of bizarre events, rules your sign for the next few weeks, which has the effect of turning normally meaningless relationship issues into catastrophic, world-ending events. Do you have a mom you can move back in with? Good. Mama, you’re comin’ home.

This month, if you’re single, look for potential conquests in places you normally ignore like outside and also inside. You know, places where people are? Places that you don’t pay a faceless landlord named Lee Chin to inhabit? Get the fuck out of your house and go find what you want because this month, no one’s gonna geolocate your clit or internal penile structure if you don’t make them known to the world. Figuratively wear your dick/birth canal on your sleeve.

Being the youngest sign in the zodiac, you love competition. However, we’re not sure that “who can come the fastest” is a competition, especially given your medical history with premature ejaculation. Just because you get there before you get it in doesn’t mean you “won” or that you are “the champion of night moves,” it more just means that you’re bad at sex and need to grow up. Does that help? If you’re female … oh, sorry, we didn’t see you there.

Your warm, inviting personality works wonders for you this month when a sexy stranger hauls their glistening, scaly body out of the ocean, down the beach and across the country and uses nothing but their superior upper body strength to crawl, exhausted, to your door. Looks like someone’s got a mermaid and/or merman on their hands! Your challenge now is to find the creature’s pleasure hole, but that shouldn’t be a problem given your inviting temperament.

One of the best things about you, Gemini, is that you know how to ask for what you want. And, while asking for your partner to indulge your adult baby fetish by spoon-feeding you pre-masticated apricots while you poop your pants isn’t necessarily wrong, it is beyond most people’s fetishistic abilities. Keep in mind that sexual compromise will keep your partner comfortable … maybe substitute the apricots for bananas to keep things modest.

Not every sign is as adept as you at showing and interpreting emotion, which is why you’re constantly dumbfounded by how “cold” people seem to be toward you this month. In reality, they’re not cold at all. They’re actually perfectly hot, thanks to Obama and global warming. You just can’t tell they’re into you because you’re cockblocking yourself through over-introspection. Have a less emo friend point out your sex options to you and things will get better.

Last month was so hot and horny that this month, you’ve reached peak levels of romantic exhaustion and are carrying yourself with the enthusiasm of a chilly, whiskey-soaked human penis which has retracted itself inside the torso above it in order to avoid sexual confrontation. This isn’t a bad problem to have, because now everyone knows you’re both a player and a pimp, but a little break from the bone zone never hurt anyone.

While most of the other signs are toiling away, suffering the consequences of the Summer of Breakups, you and someone special are nestled in some fucked-up impenetrable orb of relationship glee in which you become happier and more intimate every day. This is truly disgusting on a visceral level, but hey, congratulations. Enjoy your monogrammed couple’s bathrobes, stupid mutual credit card accounts and other shit while it lasts.

If you’ve found yourself craving sex outside the confines of the bedroom lately, that’s because Jupiter, the planet of exploration, is in your house of love this month. Now is a perfect time to indulge any public or outdoor fantasies you have … but we swear to god Libra, if we catch you trying to 69 on our front lawns again, we’re going to … like … um … join in. Sup, wanna borrow our lambskin condom?

One of the best things about you (despite the fact that you’re a moody bitch) is that you know you don’t have to settle for anyone. That quality is particularly strong this month, when you break off several relationships that just aren’t working for you without batting an eyelash. However, we’re not sure that your proctologist knew you two were dating, so we think he’ll go back to digging around in butts just fine.

Your love life sucks this month, but keep in mind that your sign is adept at caring for horses and all the activities associated with that. This is ostensibly because your zodiac sign is shaped like a big pony, so that makes sense. When all else fails and you find yourself miserable and alone, gallop on down to the rodeo and muscle a mare or feed a foal.