After scouring the weird part of the Internet for hours, one can find dozens of unconventional ways to pay the rent. One of the easiest, most wonderfully perverted ways to do this is to sell your dirty underwear online. Wait! You can do it too, fellas …
Exact stats for dirty underwear sales are unknown, but we do know that interest in the business (from both ends) has exploded since Piper Chapman spearheaded a business of selling used prison panties on the hit show "Orange is the New Black." In the past few years, used panty sales have become far more visible and are now a widely available way to appease a relentless, check-begging landlord.
“But where do I even start,” you muse, realizing there are more pairs of underwear in the drawer than dollars. According to Internet panty seller Belle Morgan, there are tons of ways to market the goods. For ladies, she suggests using websites like Panty Zoo, eBanned, Reddit or even just a Twitter account solely dedicated to the purpose to start marketing smelly inventory. And for the gents, check out Yahoo! adult auctions. The trend appears to be more relaxed for men — probably because nobody is going to brag to their friends about buying a sweaty dude’s undies on the web. We wouldn’t.
So, now you’ve got a site to start out, but what do you need to make these unmentionables marketable? Here are some pro-tips to promoting your free range “fromunda” cheese.
1.The Alias
For the love of god, do not use your real name during any part of selling underwear online. Your parents, current employers, future employers, significant others, children, etc. do not need to know what nefarious things you’re up to. The only people who need to know about this gig are you and the customer. Plus, the people buying dirty undies are not the ones you need to befriend in cyberspace, or meatspace.
2. Accessibility
It should be hard to identify you IRL, but easy to send you money. Get a money transfer specifically for your side business and have customers deliver payments that way. Morgan warns that PayPal is risky: “They do not allow adult transactions and will not hesitate to close your account (and the buyers) and keep both your money.” Payer is a better way to go, and is totally anonymous. This isolates your adventure, and makes it easy to clean up in the future.
3. Spice Up Your Alter-Ego
Your customers will more than likely return for additional purchases if they like you. But they won’t like you if your alter-ego is a cardboard cutout that smells of sweaty crease. Add some depth to your character. Your secretions are art, and they deserve a story. Did you go for a run in these? Did you aspire to be an athlete (before you realized there was more to be made off your fuming jock straps)? The customers are connoisseurs. They buy this shit on the reg, and may have very specific tastes. Does somebody want more skidmarks in their silky drawers? Do they want a tinkle sprinkle? Find out what they want, and figure out what you’re willing to give. Our personal favorite are the requests people post for “stuffed panties." Sounds like a dish Anthony Bourdain would eat.
4. Peacock
Your body type does not prevent you from participating in this business. Away from all the stigma and judgment of the public eye, Internet people let their fantasies come to fruition. Take a neck-down selfie to showcase the bra and panty set you’re selling. Dudes, show how tenderly your junk is cradled in your new briefs. This boosts your credit as a real person, convincing the customer that your scent is not just tuna water and ketchup, but the real fruit juice of your loins. And think about it: you wouldn’t buy a product online that you’ve never even seen a picture of, right? Rock the underwear you’ve always wanted. You can then get a higher price for your goods, and look hella good doing it.
5. Don’t Cheat
Cheese and pickle juice do not smell like human genitals. If yours do, see a doctor. The customers will know a fake. They sit at home with your candy wrapper on their head like a musty Bane. Some will special request menstrual blood, or boatloads of crunchy cum in the underwear — and pay a premium for it. They are dedicated to this. You might as well be too. After a while you won’t even flinch when someone asks: “Could you wear these for 3 days and fart in them a bunch?” You’ll just whip out the peanut butter and broccoli and go to work.
6. Be Aware of Specific Fantasies
Niches are more specific, but can present a seller with a possibility for more money. Do you have a pair of underwear from before you were 18? Apparently these jailbait gems can fetch over $100 … just let that gross thought stew for a moment … You can also sell your old socks. Diapers too, if you don’t want to go to the trouble of buying underwear. Plus you can pee whenever you want. Just tell yourself that you're an astronaut.
7. Watch the Money Pile Up
If you can follow these other tips for selling your goodie residue online, then you can expect anywhere from $30-70 a pair. This goes for both men and women, but there is a lot less demand for men’s underwear. Don’t be discouraged, there is a huge market for used socks and other clothing articles too. Diversify your portfolio and make that money, son!
Those are some tips for you to go from broke as hell, to online exhibitionist scum monger with food on the table. If you can get past how unusual the industry is, the worn underwear and clothing business is booming.
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