Whether you’re looking for true love or a quicky with a rando from the bar, Rooster’s Hookup Horoscope has you covered!

Aries: You’re focused on attaining peak orgasms and pleasuring yourself, but don’t forget how important it is to share the joy and spread the love with your partners. Surely you remember how to have sex with someone other than yourself? It’s been awhile. Maybe you should draw a diagram, just to be sure. 

Taurus: It’s Netflix and chill season for you. You’re craving comfort and cuddles, not drama. It just takes so much energy to bust out the ball gags, sex toys, bondage ropes, and nipple clamps. So kick back. Just make sure your guests bring snacks. 

Gemini: Your phone is blowing up. Everyone wants to chat, flirt, and fuck. Just make sure you’re not double-booking yourself. Not even the craftiest Gemini can be in two places at the same time, though you’ve certainly tried. Communication is key, but so is knowing when to put your fucking phone down.

Cancer: Autumn has you feeling all the feels. In fact, you’re in danger of becoming a complete fucking mess. You want sex but can’t stop crying long enough to swipe left OR right. The silver lining is that you can use your own tears for lubricant. 

Leo:  Darling, you’re the main character, we get it. But even Beyoncé takes a day off sometimes. Confidence is cute, but self-absorbed is not. Ever wonder why your love life is drier than your grandma’s coochie? It’s not because everyone is intimidated by your dazzling aura. It’s because you’re too busy being your own biggest fan to notice anyone else.

Virgo: Your attention to detail is ridiculously impeccable. Just don’t get so caught up in the minutiae that you miss the big picture. Not everyone needs to be perfect. Let go of the need for control. Sometimes, the best things in life are messy and unpredictable. Like sex.

Libra: It’s Libra season! Embrace the romance, the flirtation, and maybe even a little bit of drama. You deserve it. Your charm and diplomacy are your superpowers. Use them wisely to navigate any workplace challenges. Don’t be afraid to say no. You don’t have to please everyone all the time, you know.

Scorpio:  This month, you dial up the intensity to eleven. Expect passionate stares that could melt steel, emotions deeper than the Mariana Trench, and a level of obsession that would make even a detective blush. Laser-focused? More like tunnel vision. You’re on a mission, and God help anyone who gets in your way.

Sagittarius: This month, your brain is less “work” and more “weekend getaway.” Spontaneous trip to Bali? Why not! Just remember to pack your passport… and maybe a map, because your sense of direction sucks as badly as you are at finding the g-spot.

Capricorn: While everyone else is getting cozy, you’re eyeing your five-year plan. Don’t worry, there’s someone out there who’ll swoon over your spreadsheets and appreciate your work ethic. Just remember, ambition is sexy, but a cold dead heart is not.

Aquarius: You’re out searching for a soulmate who can appreciate your unique brand of quirky. Forget Netflix and chill, you want someone to discuss astrophysics and the meaning of life. Embrace your inner oddball. It’s what makes you so fucking interesting.

Pisces: You’re lost in a world of happily-ever-afters, aren’t you?. Don’t get so swept up in the fantasy that you forget to live in the real world. Your creativity bubbles over like a cauldron of inspiration! Use it to sprinkle some magic dust on your work, but don’t forget to keep your feet on the ground. Fantasies are lovely, but they need a little lubricant to work well.