Summer music festivals are great if your daddy is a fish-distribution magnate, but for the rest of us, they're a pipe dream that would break the bank if we dared attend. So, whether you're like us and too poor, or just too phobic of hair chalk to attend this summer's music festival lineup, sit back, relax, because we made a list of viable alternatives to this years mega-music fests.

Summer music festivals are great if your daddy is a fish-distribution magnate, but for the rest of us, they're a pipe dream that would break the bank if we dared attend. So, whether you're like us and too poor, or just too phobic of hair chalk to attend this summer's music festival lineup, sit back, relax, because we made a list of viable alternatives to this years mega-music fests.

1. The Renaissance Festival

Deal with the pain of being too poor to go to Lolapalooza by wielding a medieval foam sword and bringing it down upon the head of midget that was hired to pretend to fight you. When you're done, don a cape and tear the flesh off a roasted turkey leg with your teeth while you witness a fake execution.

http://coloradorenaissance.com/

2. UMS

Okay, okay it's a music festival, but it's $50 for a four-day pass, which means you can see infinity bands for $12.50 a day. Plus, it's on South Broadway in Denver, which, for those that don't know, is a street that's paved with fun. And while your friends are paying $600 dollars to see a bunch of blown out bands you already knew were famous, you're paying next to nothing to see tomorrow's best bands, because you've got your finger on the pulse of the next biggest thing. They'll be playing big-name festivals one day, but right now, they're serenading you and four other people inside a Thai restaurant next to a plate of drunken noodles.

http://www.theums.com/

3. Stay in and wax your armpits

It's just as painful as the lung infection you'd get at Coachella from the dust, but without all the celebrity sightings.

4. Tube your troubles away

While your friends and ex-lovers float around from mega-stage to mega-stage, float down Boulder Creek like a modern Huck Finn. Tubing is so cheap, that you can get everything you need at a fucking gas station. You can buy tubes at the Conoco on Broadway and Araphoe for $15, and while you're there, grab some chaser to soften the blow of the McCormick's vodka you have in your purse. Or, if you just goid paid, you can buy a slightly higher-quality tube at any friendly neighborhood Walmart. Let's see your rich friends try to by Electric Daisy Carnival tickets at Walmart.

5. Jazz in the Park

This wonderful, completely gratis event takes place at City Park all summer long, and features a sunset jazz show, dancing, and a shit ton of food trucks. Pretty much every human with two legs in Denver uses them to go to Jazz in the Park, so it'll make you feel as lost in the crowd as you would at Bonnaroo. Still not cutting it for you? Stick some headphones in your ears, cue up favorite EDM playlist, and pretend all the nice middle-aged couples are dancing to Pretty Lights.

http://cityparkjazz.org/

6. Befriend a fanny pack

Fanny packs are the quintessential music festival-goer accessory. We mean come on; with a fanny pack, there's nothing that'll keep people's hands from fist pumping to Macklemore now that they've been freed up to party. But while your friends at Firefly are stuffing theirs with molly and $20 bills to buy $20 bottles of water, you can stuff yours with snacks. Snacks that you can quickly ingest whenever the feeling of sadness on missing out on seeing your favorite bands strikes. Snacks that, by the end of the summer, will give you a distinct advantage going into winter thanks to the layer of fat they've allowed you to grow.

7. Beer festivals

I'd like to preface this by saying that one time, I went to FYF Fest in LA, and I bought a beer. It was $12 and there was ice in it. I died. That is the sad and sorry state of beer at big summer festivals; it costs half your paycheck and it's diluted with some bullshit that's designed to keep you from getting drunk so you don't vomit on OutKast's face. But, not so in Colorado. In a state such as this, where beer is more common than water, there are only about a trillion options for beer enjoyment this summer. There's the Highlands Ranch Beer Festival, Boulder SourFest, South Pearl Street BrewGrass, Feast of Saint Arnold, Rails & Ales, the Denver Epic Beer Festival, and that's just the ones that came up first on Google. What we're trying to say, is your inability to afford a trip to LA for FYF Fest directly translates into you ability to stay here and get drunk.

8. We don't know if you've noticed, but there's mountains here

Don't have $700 for a Coachella weekend pass? Punch your poverty in the face with a weekend camping trip in the mountains. There are tons of free, or inexpensive campsites scattered about the Rockies, and while your friends are dropping $25 dollars on festival hot dogs, you can drop out of a tree on an unsuspecting quail for a filling, free dinner that you don't have to eat while staring at broes wearing flamingo tanks.

9. Denver Chalk Art Festival

Hair chalk is one thing. Transforming Larimer Square into a colorful street museum over the course of two days is another. The free event features more than 150 professional and amateur artists who will spend hours on their hands and knees making art out of the city, and exactly zero Urban Outfitters employees who will try to put it in your hair.

http://www.denver.org/things-to-do/denver-holiday-events/chalk-art-festival/

10. Denver Day of Rock

Even hobos can attend this one: Downtown Denver will be transformed into a massive free rock concert when more than two dozen bands take to five stages for the annual Denver Day of Rock. Food and beverage booths will be set up all throughout downtown for the event, and there will be artist booths every which way. And if this isn't the closest thing to a summer music festival you can get on your dismal budget, then you're straight hallucinating.

http://www.denver.org/includes/calendar-of-events/Denver-Day-of-Rock/15878/