Quick questions. Quicker answers.

My boyfriend can't get his shit together. How do I tell him to step it up or I'm out?

Well, insteading of basing the success of your relationship on the success of his entire “life,” try being a more supportive, realistic partner who sees the good in what you have as opposed to holds him standards that aren’t his own … ya poop head.

Is it true that women who don't have sex for long periods of time can rejuvenate their vaginas?

Nope. Sexual frequency doesn’t have jack to do with vaginal … youthfulness? God, that sounded wrong.

Sometimes when I'm in there, I poke the IUD string. It feels metallic and weird. Can it be repositioned?

Uh huh. Her gyno can do it. In the meantime though, remember that that weird-feeling thing down there feels way weirder for her, and is the only current thing keeping you from parenthood. In the eternal battle between unplanned infant and “occasional pokey thing,” you must choose your side.

Will Bruce Jenner ever have an orgasm again?

… You mean Caitlyn? Yes, Caitlyn shall come again. In fact, 82.4 percent of trans women can orgasm after surgery … and that’s just genitally. There are still many other types of orgasms they (any anyone) can have from other erogenous zones: anal, nipple, throat, skin, mental, and so on, so … prognosis lookin’ good.

She wants us positioned on my side of the bed when I come, so the wet spot is always on my side. Is that fair? Shouldn't it be 50-50?

Why are you always coming on the bed? Just stop coming on the bed.

What's the best vibrating cock ring on the market?

The WeVibe Pivot is awesome. Super strong, rumbly vibrations that activate deeper nerves. Made of stretchy, body-safe silicone. Easy to clean. Comes with a free app download that you can use to change the vibration strength and pattern from your phone from  anywhere in the world you have WiFi, which means your partner can be wearing the cock ring in Minnesota and you can buzz it from fucking Malaysia. MALAYSIA. 

Why is she so reluctant to talk during sex?

She either doesn't like to, doesn't know what to say, or doesn't know how to say what she wants to say. Ask her about it, her answers will amaze you much more than mine will. If she knows you're interested in creating a safe space for her to be verbal and say what she feels, it might help too. A lot of people are just afraid of freaking their partner out.

Oh, and a good way to get her to start talking during sex is to ask her to tell you a fantasy while you fuck. That way, the thing she's saying is already something she's thought about and she doesn't have to worry about making something up on the fly that she thinks sounds good.

We both speak Spanish as a second language. Do you think maybe she'd more comfortable talking during sex in something that isn't her mother tongue?

¿Por qué seguimos hablando de esto y cómo debería saberlo? Claramente, tienes dedos capaces de hacerme preguntas, así que úsalos para preguntarle.

Best position for Netflix sex?

Well, normally I'd scoff at you and say whatever position is as far away from the TV or laptop as possible because Netflix sex is disconnected and distracted but … I mean, what show are we talking about here? Have you seen I Love Dick? That show is pretty good. I'd definitely watch that doing the standing-up-from-behind position in front of the TV so you can both watch. Normal, on-the-knees doggy means the person on the bottom has to crane their neck weird and I really care about your neck so don't do that.