They’re like a quickie, but for your mind.

What's the problem with having a Tinder account while being in a relationship?

Nothing if you’re just on there to pay homage to the stately photographic tradition of men in white-framed sunglasses posing with fish. Art hunting ain’t cheatin’.

Are condoms the best means for safe sex?

Yes if we’re talking about STD prevention. No if you mean for birth control. Condoms have a 98 percent effectiveness rate at preventing pregnancy when used perfectly, but since we’re all bumbling idiots, condoms’ real efficacy rate is only about 82 percent; about the same as withdrawal. As it stands, IUDs are the best way to avoid being called ‘Daddy’ non-ironically.

Which drug is best for sex?

Let’s ask my vagina. It says kombucha. Yours may disagree. Read this for a more in-depth analysis.

How much masturbation is an unhealthy amount of masturbation?

I’m hungry, so let’s do a meat analogy. Boiled chicken = good. Beef jerky = concerning, but still okay. Ground beef = straightjacket time. In other words, it’s only too much masturbation if you’re hurting yourself. If you could make a cheeseburger from what’s left of your reproductive module, maybe calm your tits a little.

How can I last longer in bed?

Think about the absurd calamity of fish paired with dairy products. Fucking cream cheese? On sushi? Are you insane?

Is looking at another girl cheating?

Do you mean the time you looked lovingly, one last time, into your grandmother's cataract-filled eyes before she passed away from complications due to pneumonia cheating?

… Yes. Gonna say yes. Your dying nana is a huge threat to your relationship and you should reconsider your entire sexuality.

My partner always falls asleep when I'm trying to talk to them. Does that mean they don't care?

No, it means you need to look at a clock.

Do girls want to be talked to when out at the bars?

No, they just went there for some peace and quiet. Maybe cuddle up with a book and a knitting project or something?

… Yes they want to be "talked to" … but only if you're respectful, kind, funny and don't assume talking to them entitles you to anything more than a conversation.

Can you get a sex toy stuck in you?

Can you ever! The worst is when you put something up your butt that has no base on it. If it’s got nothing to catch on, it can get sucked up your butt via peristalsis and into your lower intestine for all of x-ray tech nation to see. “Without a base, without a trace” is what some people mutter to themselves to prevent this from happening.

Weed makes my girlfriend insanely horny but it kills my libido. What should we do?

She smokes weed and you Google pictures of young Bill Clinton playing sax. Next?