When we win PowerBall tonight and you don't, we're going to spend our crazy money on stupid things.

The over-inflated PowerBall currently stands at a whopping $500 million purse. You can either take the pre-tax bounty and have it paid to you over the course of the next 29 years, or opt for a big ass suitcase filled to the brim with 306 million washingtons. With a haul like that, we've been thinking — what exactly would we do with all that cheddar?

A one in 292.2 million chance sounds like we're going to be rich tonight and you're not …

Magnetic Floating Bed
$1.2 million

When you're worth millions, you want every luxury filthy money can afford. And that status garners you the ability to buy beds worth millions of dollars. So long peasants, we're going to be floating high above your tax bracket this year.

Diamond Encrusted Bluetooth Headset

Imagine for a moment you're us, the people who are absolutely going to win PowerBall tonight, and you're a dirty dog richer type — you're not going to care if people whisper about how much of an asshole you are because you wear one of these Bluetooth things. Because you're undeniably the greatest human to walk the planet. That's what money does. Great humans with unimaginable wealth — which is going to be us soon — don't care for a second what you think about stylish tech choices.

Wu-Tangs’ Rare Album
Name your price, dick

For the love of you commoners, we vow to purchase back Wu-Tang's rare Once Upon A Time In Shaolin album from the PharmaBro Martin Shkreli. It's what rich Jesus would want us to do for you.

Gold-plated Staples

Maybe we're not going to need gold-plated staples after we win PowerBall, because actual work is going to be a thing of the past. But when we deliver our annual Christmas cards in the mail to poor people we once knew, it will be nice to have something to attach the packets of imported marmalade we'll be sending as consolation prizes for once being a part of our working class social circle.

Hennessy Beauté du Siècle Cognac
$200,000 a bottle

We're just going to fill bottles with this and spritz unsuspecting strangers with it as they pass by, so as to never forget how important we are now that we have money.

Gold-plated Bugatti Veyron
$10 million

Gold-plated errrythang. It's what wealthy people do, you all normal people probably will never understand.

The Tusk of a Narwhal
Up to $30,000

Although they’re highly illegal to possess or buy inside of the states, we still want one. Besides, we’re going to be filthy rich tomorrow, laws don’t apply to us anymore.

Posh Instant Noodles
$43 a cup

As if we'd ever eat Ramen again? That's what we did when we were up studying for tests all the way through college. Our sodium intake is going to be much more balanced now. Balanced with disposable fortunes.

Roller Coaster
Who knows?

We're not sure how much a roller coaster is, but while we were dreaming of a vast amount of commas coming our way later tonight, we landed on a site that has old carnival rides for purchase. #NoMichaelJackson

Smiling Friends
Priceless …

To become a paid acquaintance of ours — a happy, healthy, pseudo-intellectual acquaintance with subtle good looks, but not so much as to overpower our own physical appearance — please send a resume to Contact@TheRooster.com with qualifications and a written pledge to abandon your loved ones in exchange for a weekly living wage salary.