You might not be looking for it right now, but at some point, your biological need to procreate and settle down will overwhelm your desire for midnight ass, and you’ll want to find someone to who will stick around long enough to find out you had a tail as a child.  And although people meet and become smitten with each other in all sorts of different environments, we can tell you with a pretty high degree of certainty they won’t in any of these places.

You might not be looking for it right now, but at some point, your biological need to procreate and settle down will overwhelm your desire for midnight ass, and you’ll want to find someone to who will stick around long enough to find out you had a tail as a child.  And although people meet and become smitten with each other in all sorts of different environments, we can tell you with a pretty high degree of certainty they won’t in any of these places.

1. Bar/Club

You will not meet the boy or girl of your dreams at a bar or club.

While you probably meet more potential mates in these places than anywhere else, quantity does not equal quality. The girl of your dreams is probably not that chick wearing the hooker-stilettos and a crop top, slurring her words as she stumbles towards you with a vodka-Red Bull that she just crushed her birth control into. Your fantasy man is not the guy asking if you come here often or if you like “meaty sausages that know how to please.”

People from bars and clubs serve one purpose: to entertain you for a night … not for a lifetime. Unless you’re both okay with your “song” being “Love in This Club” by Usher.

2. Tinder

You will not meet the human of your dreams by swiping right.

We know, we know; there are success stories from Tinder. But by and large, Tinder is a place where entertainment prevails over #truluv. Duh, there are some total hotties on Tinder, but there are probably more important factors in deciding if someone is"the one" than if you thought they were bang-able in the second you came across her profile. Like how much property was willed to them by their dying grandfather or whether or not their strain of genital herpes is compatible with yours.

Our advice: use Tinder like Candy Crush. It's a fun diversion, and by all means, see if you can set a high score … but don't expect your Tinder accomplishments to have a meaningful impact on your real life, save from on your gynecology bill.

3. A Rave

You will not meet the partner of your dreams at a rave, or any other sort of EDM clusterfuck.

If you and some babe are both rollin' your balls off on Molly, the connection might be very strong at first. We mean, OH MY GOD EVERYTHING IS SO AWESOME SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND LET’S TOUCH EACH OTHER AND YEAH DANCING AND YEAH LIGHTS AND WE’RE ALL THE SAME BUT ALSO DIFFERENT … But after the drugs wear off, you'll probably realize that you sound like a dumbass. That raver chick is neither hot nor awesome, and that EDM dude forgot to mention he has 12 children and a wife that could be bi but it could also be a phase.

More importantly, you probably are looking for more common interests than the fact that you both love that one Bassnectar song. Plus, being #youngwildnfree is cool shit now, but do you really want to bring the chick wearing the electronic nipple tassels home to meet your mother? Aim higher.

4. High School

You will not meet your future ex in high school.

If you're reading this, odds are you've already graduated high school and are cognizant of the fact that couples who’ve been together since the mid 2000’s aren’t exactly the happiest or non-fattest.

If you’re still under 18, expand your horizons and fish for fuck cushions in ponds other than your high school. Once you realize the world in bigger than those hallways, you'll realize that the "perfect" girl from high school is exceedingly average in a world with damn near four billion women, or that the dreamy captain of the whatever team peaked in junior year and spends his nights recounting the winning touchdown pass he completed in 2005.

Also, if  you're over 21, you're really not going to find the person of your dreams in a high school. Don't end up sitting down with Chris Hansen, you creepy fucker.

5. Las Vegas

You will not meet the specimen of your dreams in Las Vegas.

Haven't you heard that what happens there is supposed to stay there? That shit is true for a reason.

If you're going to Vegas to try to meet the guy or girl of your dreams, you either have some kind of undiagnosed commitment issue complex or an insatiable attraction for glitter. We mean, if you're even saving the phone numbers of people you meet in Vegas, you're doing it wrong. Less trying to make lasting connections with people from Florida who are there on vacation, more squandering your savings on Blackjack. Get to it.

6. Chatroulette/Omegle

You will not meet the Netflix date night coconspirator of your dreams on Chatroulette or Omegle.

This one is easy: none of these people aren’t cops.

Put your dick back in your pants – it's only law men that are watching.

7. Rehab

You will not meet the person that you ask what they want for dinner but they won’t tell you of your dreams in rehab.

While it’s true that if you're in rehab with someone you’ve got the hots for, you probably, sadly do have a lot in common, we’re not sure that past Poppers addiction is necessarily a good thing to bond over.

Haven't you watched Breaking Bad? Jane Margolis may well have been Jesse Pinkman's dream girl, but that relationship ended predictably. If Walter White didn't do it, it would have happened eventually anyway. This is a metaphor for your rehab relationship. Good talk.

8. Probation Office

You will not meet the girl or boy your parents disapprove of  at the probation office.

Again, you may be able to bond over rousing tales of the myriad crimes the two of you have committed, but this is a relationship destined to end even more poorly than Hillary and Clinton, and the worst part about that it didn’t end.
In fact, it will probably end up a whole lot more like Bonnie and Clyde than anything else – and we’re not referring to the Jay-Z/Beyonce collab you masturbated to.

9. Strip Club

You will not meet the person you’ll have to pay alimony to at a strip club.

The issue here is twofold, and we’ll address each possibility in turn. The first scenario is the one in which you decide that a stripper is the girl, or sassy boy, of your dreams. Time to reconsider! Girls (and again, sassy boyz) with daddy issues can be fun, but only in the short term. After a while, you become Daddy and they become Baby and weird, crying, sexual things you want no part of happen.

The other possibility is that you think the stripper of your dreams is some hoodrat who is attending the strip club. Yeah, they might be fun, cool, and "one of the guys," or some shit like that. But you will probably never notice the girl of your dreams at a strip club – you'll be too busy trying to figure out what to do with your face when a stripper wraps her labia around your head.

10. In a Car Crash

You will not meet the person who falls asleep during sex of your dreams in a car crash.

You might think that if you collide with a vehicle driven by a total dime that it was fate conspiring to bring you together. But we’'ve seen this scenario go wrong far too many times in fictional situations. In Always Sunny, this situation ends with Dee being humiliated. In Family Guy, this situation leads to Brian getting his poor little canine heart broken. And for Christ's sake, have you seen Changing Lanes? Okay, maybe Ben Affleck and Sam Jackson aren't exactly relevant to finding love in a car crash. But trust us, just because you crashed into each other at 4o m.p.h and they owe you $5,000 in insurance money, it’s not the universe telling you that you two should pop out a couple of ugly kids that people feign fondness for. Stick to reactional rage in the event of a car crash; that’ll stop both them, and their out-of-control car, from coming at you all sexy like.

To contact the author of this piece about his own personal preferences or suggest another place you'll never find love but can maybe find buried treasure, email Ascher Robbins at contact@therooster.com.