One visit to and you can easily find yourself spiraling out of control in a materialistic overload of the good, bad and ugly. Amazon might be fucking over authors and publishers alike, but it also plays host, deep in its depths, to our new, favorite library of mercurial literature found nowhere else.

One visit to and you can easily find yourself spiraling out of control in a materialistic overload of the good, bad and ugly. Amazon might be fucking over authors and publishers alike, but it also plays host, deep in its depths, to our new, favorite library of mercurial literature found nowhere else.

Marijuana Smuggling for Fun and Profit
> You’ve heard of marijuana smuggling for profit, but for fun? That can’t be. According to author Robert Bach, you can have the best of both worlds when it comes to smuggling everyone’s favorite herb. An ex-airline pilot, Bach bypassed the unemployment line for drug smuggling, saddling up with one of North America’s largest marijuana-smuggling operations at the time. From this stint in drug smuggling, Bach learned invaluable lessons he so graciously outlines in the book. Sure, you might be placed on a government watch list, but customers who bought this item also bought, “Shoulda Robbed A Bank” and “Rebel Child Running Wild,” so you’re in good company.

Blow her Mind: His Illustrated Guide to Oral Sex
> Years of disappointment, frustration and general disdain for the male understanding of how to please a woman led Melinda Holmes to toss out the old Cosmo clippings and replace them with the simplest lexicon known to man: pictures. She essentially dumbed down the foreplay conundrum and inserted easy-to-follow illustrations men, ideally, can’t screw up. With such techniques as Lip Locking the Nanny, Nosy Nosy Nosy, Tempest in a Teapot and Sadie Hawkins’ Revenge, this picture book should provide you with more material than is necessary to learn the art of cunnilingus.

Images you Should not Masturbate To
> Just in case you neglected to avoid the most obvious visual de-stimulants when choking your chicken — daily obituaries, family photos and Rosie O’Donnell — two great authors compiled a gallery of eye-broccoli guaranteed to take you from noon to 6 p.m. in seconds. The published book of libido-dampening images includes ripe cucumbers, pink rubber gloves and an old man hatcheting in a stream. Why these? We’re not sure, but if, at any time, you felt a slight tinge of movement in your pants, you might want to reexamine your childhood. Described as “deceptively simple” and “strangely addictive,” the book’s four-star rating suggests it’s about as effective as Betty White sponge-bathing herself in peanut butter at destroying your libido.

How to Live With a Huge Penis
> There probably isn’t a better coffee table accouterment for single males than this elegantly titled piece of literature. Dr. Richard Jacob wrote “How to Live With a Huge Penis” in response to men everywhere who suffer from the male defect astutely named oversized male genital (OMG). Yes, that’s the real acronym. According to Dr. Dick, thousands of men are diagnosed with OMG each year, and sadly, most are banished to the fringes of society, victims of their own freakish length and girth. Those who are not banished to the fringes of society, surreptitiously end up in all of the ego-deflating porn videos we watch. Whether you’re suffering from OMG or not, this book should be part of your everyday library … for obvious reasons.

Anybody Can Be Cool, But Awesome Takes Practice
> This explains why we’ve always been stuck in the cool zone. We should have known, to be awesome, we would need practice. In this social introspection, author Lorraine Peterson challenges the conventional platitudes of teenage society, ultimately encouraging the youth to be strong and stand up to the constant lies from Satan regarding inferiority, lack of self-acceptance and peer pressure. An obvious light read, we have two copies at the office for all employees wishing to, as Peterson explains, “maximize the unique and beautifully designed person God has created to reflect Jesus Christ to the world.” With old copies going for less than a cent on the Amazon side market, we’re guessing many more people are willing to succumb to Satan’s lies than embrace what God designed as their beautiful person.

Sexting Made Easy
> Let us put it this way: If you’re buying this book, chances are you’re not sexting anyone besides Siri. But just in case you stumble across someone you truly care about and therefore want to overload said person with hot sexts, this book is for you. We’re going to let the Amazon description explain the concept behind “Sexting Made Easy,” because it’s unbeatable. “Sexting is the fine art of sending naughty, dirty, filthy, and even downright nasty text messages to your lover in order to turn them on. Those of you who were around before the texting revolution (like me!) might remember something called phone sex. That is now old school, my friend. Phone sex was something you had to have privacy in order to do, but sexting can be done anytime, anywhere — within reason, of course.”

Make Your Own Sex Toys
> Any nymphomaniac will tell you, you don’t need a book or a partner to fulfill your sexual needs. Guys and girls alike have an abundance of objects that satisfy the demand — which reminds us, whoever is stealing the produce from the break room, please stop — but what nymphos can’t tell you is how to make a knitted willy warmer for those cold nights in December or how to make a mutual member double dildo for that lonely friend in need. “Make Your own sex Toys” is the little extra effort that shows the people around you, you really do care. Electric, plastic or paper mache, this deviant’s book provides enough colorful customer reviews to keep us quite entertained.

Cooking with Coolio
> When Coolio walks through the valley of the shadow of death and takes a look at his life, he looks for recipes for his new cookbook. That’s right, the rapper from gangster’s paradise claims to bust out ghetto gourmet, aka five-star meals at one-star prices. Recipes include soul rolls and banana ba-ba-ba-bread sweetened with golden honey. Dive into the intricacies of the kitchen with chapters such as “How to Become a Kitchen Pimp,” “Chillin’ and Grillin’” and “Pasta Like a Rasta.” Don’t miss out on can’t-find fusions such as Blasian (black Asian) or Ghettalian (ghetto Italian) in restaurants — mainly because they are slightly racist concepts.

Does God Ever Speak Through Cats?
> We sure hope so. It would explain the evil glares our cats give us when we walk into the bedroom with our laptops. Still, it’s hard to imagine a book about Christian spirituality and cats not being entertaining. Author David Evans moves into a new house in Los Angeles and simultaneously embarks on two journeys we can all relate to: one with god and the other with a stray cat. To his surprise — and literature’s demise — both journeys have a lot in common. How this story made it past four pages is beyond our publishing intellect, but we’re now almost positive god does speak with and fuck with us through cats.

How to Shit in the Woods
> This book should more appropriately be titled, “If You Don’t Know How to Shit in the Woods, Natural Selection will Eventually Catch Up with You.” A masterpiece in outdoor literature, it teaches those void of evolution the intricate steps and techniques for relieving one’s self on Bambi’s doorstep. More than 2.5 million copies indicate that poop survival appears to be a pressing issue. Whether you’re camping, drunk and lost, or simply trying to find a coffee table book that truly expresses who you are on the inside, this is a must buy, along with the other best seller in the collection, “Sex in a Tent: A Wild Couple’s Guide to Getting Naughty in Nature.”