They say the first step to addiction is admitting you have a problem, so here it is: I'm a Coca-Cola addict. It started young, it's never stopped, and this is my life now.

And yet, the Internet is constantly trying to tell me how bad it is for my health. Telling me soda contains "sugar" that can cause "diabetes," "heart disease" and "death" — but what else are you going to drink during the nuclear war?

Here are a few steps I've learned along the way to getting the best damn soda of your life. 

1. Make sure it’s absolutely not a Pepsi.

The best Reddit forum of 2015 asked this simple question: "Why do restaurants serve Pepsi if most people want Coke products?" Good question soondot. Unfortunately, no one is certain why restaurants make that decision for you.

“Is a pepsi okay?” No, Greg, it’s not okay.


2. Determine the source.

After you're sure not to be stuck with Pepsi, scope out the sources. Are you getting the liquid snort from a fountain, a can, a plastic bottle or the exceptionally rare 'Mexican Coke'? Maybe it’s 7-11 and they have those Four Loko looking cans of sugar water? Maybe it’s one of those aluminum cans in the shape of a bottle made to confuse you?

If you're going to get any one of the items listed above, I suggest grabbing a fountain Coke. (Unless you find the Mexican Coke — those delicious diamonds in the rough.)


3. WHY? Fountain is the fucking best, no duh.

Honestly, if you're gifted and can corral both a Mexican Coke and a fountain, do it. Why not? But when in doubt, fountain it out.

Fountain soda is like drinking beer from the keg. It's like soda water is making love to a plastic bag filled with syrup. Tinder for drinks. When they mix together in harmony, that is when you get the perfect fountain drank.

However, avoid those freestyle machines like the one below. "But they have 127 flavors!" Screw off. Your fountain sluttery is contaminating the flavor.



The environment might hate styrofoam, but soda thrives in it. What's one to do? Paper cups are whatever, but sometimes, you get that weird under-taste with a notes of wax. Glass? It's cool.

In reality, the cup isn't the most important part, but it does lend its hand with the overall fountain experience.


5. ICE.

There is a small community of people who obsess over nugget ice and those people are goddamn American treasures: How could you not? They are so s'cute.

The size of the ice cube makes a huge impact on the taste of the drink.

And great news for you: A nugget ice maker is available for home use for the affordable price of just $499. A small fee to pay for love.


6. Speaking of ice, don’t over or under ice.

Don’t be like Starbucks and fill it to the top. You’re not getting the maximum benefit of your drink when you do that. Too little ice melts in your cup and what's left is a watery resemblance of what your soda once was. 

7. Carbonation.

Make sure that shit fizzles. Nothing is worse than drinking a flat soda. You might as well drink that thing they call regular “water”. Tasteless and flat. Yuck.

Here's a perfectly valid example of a flat and lifeless soda. Notice how it's a Pepsi: 


8. Syrup to H20 ratio.

While you’re checking out the carbonation, make sure the syrup to H20 ratio is right. No one likes a soda that has too much syrup or too much water. You can usually determine this as it's coming out of the machine. Don't be fooled though, make sure you do a "test sip" before you fill up the whole dang cup. 

9. Don’t forget the straw.


10. And last, the price.

You can get a 12 pack on Amazon for $4.88 and get it with free 2-day shipping for Prime members who are better than everyone else. Keep this in mind next time you pay $2.50 for a fountain drink with no free refills.

("The solution to all of life's problems" – Source)

You're welcome.