A disgustingly attractive states of overachievers, we are.
There's no denying it: Colorado is a state of winners. We have life figured out to a degree frustrating to most outsiders, which is probably why we have (second) fastest-growing population in all the land.
Not to be outdone in any area, Colorado is always on the Top 10 list for something. Whether it's a good ranking or an embarrassing one doesn't matter; what's important is that we crush the life out of our competition in every category, always. And that we do.
Here are the top ten things Colorado is in the top 10 for:
1. Sniffing glue
Long before Colorado gained notoriety for #2 on this list, we excelled at the competitive blood sport of glue sniffing. So much so that we were dubbed the Glue Sniffing Capital of America.
And now? We definitely can't smell what the Rock is cookin'.
2. Doing more drugs than anyone, anywhere, ever
Party drugs. Nose drugs. Prescription drugs. Liquid drugs. Doesn't matter; we just really love drugs.
In fact, we love drugs so much that a new survey shows Coloradans use more drugs more frequently than people in any other state. Yet, while we're world-renowned for our love of greenery, our true favorite substance to abuse is none other than cocaine.
When it snows, it blizzards, we guess …
3. Being rude, socially untenable bitchettes
Colorado's sparkling reputation as cocaine-snorting glue fiends has been sullied a bit thanks to Colorado Springs, who was ranked the ninth rudest city in the country by Travel and Leisure.
FUCK YOU, TRAVEL AND LEISURE.
4. Being rude, socially untenable bitchettes who are unspeakably attractive and horny
This one's a two-for-one special: Colorado consistently ranks as either the first or second fittest state, which might explain why Denver is the country's most sexually active city. Fellatio sit-ups, anyone?
5. Being the best place to live
Denver is officially the best city to live in, while Colorado is the 10th best place overall … although that ranking is highly subjective. Michigan— Michigan— ranked #1 on that list so we're just going to arbitrarily switch spots with them on the grounds of legal weed and not being a crumbling hellscape.
6. Our undying love for 'Merica
Colorado is the fourth most patriotic state in the country, which means we get to yell 'MERICA! more than you.
7. LGBTQ rights and quality of life
While we didn't receive a numerical ranking on MSNBC's survey of the best and worst places to live for LGBTQ Americans, we did receive the highest possible liveability score along with nine other states. But since our name came second in their list, we're going to assume we're first.
8. Diabolical mad genius
Colorado is the nation's 10th smartest state. Since we're so brilliant, we can tell that 10 is nine spots down from 1, which really begs they re-do this ranking, don't you think?
9. Unbridled joy and happiness
While we've been ranked as #1 in the past, we're only the fourth happiest state in 2016. Blame that on the endless sunshine, bountiful drugs (see above) and the soul-soothing satisfaction of being better at everything than Oklahoma and Nebraska, who keep trying to sue us for enjoying life.
10. Most entrepreneurial
When it comes to entrepreneurship, Colorado is second only to Utah. That makes no sense. For every dispensary Colorado opens, does Utah open a Mormon reading room or something?
Yet while this list only goes up to 10 for the sake of titular convenience, Colorado is also on the top 10 of many other lists. A few worth mentioning quickly:
We also have the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the country, the highest rate of IUD usage, the world's creepiest airport, one of the worst treatments of homeless people and … the largest elk population in the world? Wow, we can definitely sleep easier now knowing that last thing …