The tastiest food you’ll never remember is just around the corner …

Without a doubt, drunken determination is best exemplified by that PBR and whisky-fueled quest for Beefy Loaded Grillers at two in the morning. We’ve all been there; that failed attempt to drunkenly walk-thru the T-Bell drive-thru to no avail as the manager politely asks us to vacate the premises. We’re left wandering and starving in the desolate food desert, that downtown after dusk, and we wind up feasting on ramen seasoning and leftover bread like ANIMALS.

Fortunately for you, your early morning pantry raids are over, because we’ve compiled a definitive list of the best late-night drunk munchies in your hood.


Image: Social News Daily

2450 Baseline Rd. Boulder CO
Open till: 11 p.m.

Yeah, it’s corporate and therefore antithetical to Boulder-y vibes. Yeah, it’s probably ground up pigeon cuticles and beef vas deferens in your Beefy Quesadilla. And yeah, it’s populated by only the highest of tenth graders who whisper harshly to themselves when they witness your divine capacity to down 14 Crunch Wrap Supremes before their very eyes, creating a very unwelcoming environment for your drunken feast de Mexico. Pussies.

But you know what? You’re always completely wasted on corporate beer anyway, so get off your high horse and shove an empanada in your skull. No drunk munchies list would be complete without the original Fourthmeal. Taco Bell is essentially the trusty booty call of drunk eats.


Image: 303Magazine

4450 W. 38th Ave., Denver
Open till: 2 a.m.

For the refined late-night drunk, Denver’s Brazen offers a selection of fine cuisine you don’t even have to be blowing a 0.08 to enjoy. Because yes; even after guzzling their body weight in Jello-O shots, some individuals still prefer the finer things like oysters on the half-shell, shoyu ramen or brussels sprouts with candied bacon. It might be too frilly for some, but they still offer $2 Red Stripes after 10 p.m., perfect to wash down those tomato braised meatballs and the side of s’mores you don’t remember ordering.


Image: Fat Sully's

141 S Broadway, Denver
Open till: 2 a.m.

Fat Sully’s has $3.50 slices. You can put things on those slices, or not. It doesn’t matter. It’s 1:54 a.m. and you need something cheesy and triangular to combat the hangover already taking over your miserable body. Do you need any more convincing? Because if you do, you’re not a true late-night alcoholic. Put it in your mouth and then promptly go home; you’re drunk.


Image: LinkBeef

1100 Pearl Street, Boulder
Open till: The line of drunks exiting The Downer thins out

Location. Location. Location. The classic street vendor mantra still holds true: ‘if you build it they will come’ … and who’s honestly going to turn down a hot dog 20 beers-in? Even the holiest of holier-than-thou vegetarians will shove a smoldering pig corpse in their face after they’ve had a few. The bar emptying out at closing time, and the mouth-breathers stumbling towards Freddie’s Hot Dog Stand is as close to ‘The Walking Dead’ as it gets.

As one Yelp reviewer put it: “Freddie's hot dog stand isn't just a hot dog stand. It's an experience. It's a lifestyle. Never in my life have I tasted a more delicious tube of meat in my life, and I dare say I don't think I ever will again.”


Image: Sputnik Denver

3 S Broadway, Denver
Open till: 2 a.m.

For those schwasted vegans who can actually stick to their principles, unlike the overwhelming majority of drunk vegetarians, Sputnik offers some solid drunk grub. Jackfruit tacos, zucchini corn dogs, hush puppies … anything you can make without spilling the blood of God’s creatures.


Image: Omnivorous Vegetarian

1325 Broadway, #108, Boulder
Open till: 2 a.m.

It’s 2 a.m. and you’re sitting in Cosmo’s, wasted and satiated after your early morning pizza feast, boobs covered in Cosmo’s Spicy Ranch and whatnot, when you take a slightly sobered look around. There’s a line out the door of zombified wastoids looking for snacks of the pizza persuasion. To your left, a couple who just met in line is attempting to procreate. To your right, a table full of ultra-rowdy frat people are doing something that involves yelling, fist bumping, and other vaguely homoerotic physical presentations. Outside, fists are flying, spurned by unfed alcoholic rage. What the fuck is happening …

This is the culture of Cosmo’s on The Hill, and if you don’t come to appreciate it while you appreciate shoving your face full of giant NY-style pizza, then who are you, really? But don’t worry if this scene isn’t for you; with late night delivery until 2 a.m. and their signature Spicy Ranch (a.k.a. the lifeblood of white people), Cosmo’s completes our drunk food pyramid.


Image: I'm From Denver

1962 E Colfax Ave, Denver
Open till: 24 hours

The party is over, the sun’s coming up and you’re still awake running on Olde English fumes. Actually, just admit it, there was no party, you stayed in, had a few and got super drunk, alone, again … Regardless, Pete’s Kitchen is open 24 hours for you to recharge with chili cheese fries, Philly cheese steaks and triple decker something-or-others. Just look around the room at all the glossy eyes at four in the morning, you’re in good company.


Image: Food Challenges

706 S College Ave #102, Fort Collins
Open till: 1 a.m. Sunday – Thursday and till 4 a.m. on Friday and Saturday

It’s really a no brainer; Fat Shack’s Munchie Madness Platter can tame virtually any barely conscious drunk desire and the option to plop mac ’n cheese on any burger for .92 cents has “white girl wasted” written all over it. There’s even a Fat Hangover sandwich for the next morning as the drunken déjà vu settles in …


Image: We took this photo, god damn it

Multiple locations in Denver and Boulder
Open till: 12 a.m. Sunday – Wednesday and till 2:30 a.m. Thursday – Saturday

One of the many wonders of drunkenness is its ability to expand your stomach’s capacity by a factor of two billion. Thankfully, Illegal Pete’s has a baby-sized burrito for that. Or, if you’re not in the mood to consume five pounds of rice, beans and blah blah, treat yourself to one of their other Caucasian-Mexican creations (tacos, bowls, quesadillas, taquitos), all available to be smothered in green chili if you’re fixing to test the limits of your digestive system. But the best part about Illegal Pete’s? They’ve got a full bar and margaritas that would make Jimmy Buffet weep, so you can re-tox while you trash compact that mega-burrito in your gut.



Image: The DownLo

1134 13th St, Boulder
Open till: 24 hours

The Smelly Deli is heaven on earth for drunk people. Not only does their menu offer you every drunk food item you can imagine (wings, gyros, grilled cheese, burgers), but they’re also a fully operational bodega, meaning they’ve got all the Pepcid AC, ibuprofen and coconut water you need to deal with the consequences of your actions. Open all day every day (except Monday), it’s a godsend for partiers who aren’t intimidated by the 2 a.m. roll-around.


Image: Denver Post

740 W. Colfax Ave, Denver
Open till: 24 hours

Oh wonderous heavens, we had thought we lost the Denver Diner when it succumbed to a fire last year (and possible gentrifi … er we mean progress) — but as luck, and $1.4 million in renovations, would have it, the beloved face-gorging character theatre is back! Re-opened only recently, the late-night (or early morning, or whenever, really) eatery has all possible combinations of cholesterol shooters, from your standard eggs benedict to the "Mass Confusion," which is basically just a breakfast-swirled plate for drunks. 

Bone Ape Tit.