Here at Rooster, we haven't forgotten our medical-school training (thanks, the cast of Scrubs). We've been noticing the rapid emergence of a few serious illnesses in our culture, and we'd like to use our vast and scientifically accurate medical acumen to be the first to document the causes, symptoms, and suggested treatments of these completely made-up conditions.

Here at Rooster, we haven't forgotten our medical-school training (thanks, the cast of Scrubs). We've been noticing the rapid emergence of a few serious illnesses in our culture, and we'd like to use our vast and scientifically accurate medical acumen to be the first to document the causes, symptoms, and suggested treatments of these completely made-up conditions.

Ex-Fat Kid Syndrome

Causes: Often, when someone who was 300 lbs. as a pubescent pre-adult morphs into a noticeably less obese version of themselves, the transformation will not be accompanied by a personality change, resulting in a person who retains the characteristics of an overweight person, when they are in, in fact of average proportions.

Symptoms: Excessive niceness, perpetually inhabiting the "friend zone," bad allergies, laughing way too hard at your jokes, inordinate level of interest in #throwbackthursdays, unfounded pride about current workout routine, maddening nostalgia for the early 2000's, and misuse of jewelry. Loss of virginity may not have occurred until age 19 or 20, which the patient is quick to remind you about … just in case you forgot that they're now sexually active, something you couldn't do if you tried.

Treatment: Sex. Lots and lots of sex. So much sex that they become too tired to show you pictures of their 2008 family vacation to Florida or develop a false sense of mastery over a Wii Fitness game.

Phantom Text

Causes: Anticipation of a text from an important or sexy someone.

Symptoms: The persistent feeling that one's phone is either vibrating or ringing when it is not. Condition includes the associated feeling of "???" when the patient realizes that the imagined their phone buzzing … with their mind.

Treatment: Just turn your phone off, no one's texting you anway.

Humanitarianitis

Causes: Commonly brought on by a white, upper-middle class upbringing during which the patient used their free time and trust fund money to discover that "helping others feels just as good as helping yourself," or at least that's what their personal yogi told them as he accepted a check for $500.

Symptoms: Clogging your feed with UpWorthy posts, using phrases like "that awkward moment when you lose your faith in humanity," overzealous interest in whales, self-imposed poverty due to donations to Save-The-Children initiatives, parasitic infection from recent trip to build latrines in Nicaragua, a collection of reusable grocery bags worthy with of a Y2K survival stockpile.

Treatment: Therapy to improve quality and quantity of Facebook posts about three-legged dogs, and a mild sedative to make them stop yelling at you about Ebola.

Sausage Fingers

Causes: Karma, probably.

Symptoms: Fingers that resemble delicious, juicy sausages, just waving themselves at you … begging to be put in a fluffy bun and eaten with a dollop of spicy mustard.

Treatment: Incurable. Unfortunate, really.

FOMO-philia

Causes: Being too goddamn tired to go out tonight, resulting in a sudden obsession for a related condition, F.O.M.O (fear of missing out).

Symptoms: Childish joy-like mania at the prospect of staying in when everyone else is out partying. Erratic behavior includes hunkering down on a Saturday night in their cleanest Snuggie to watch what they ambiguously call "their shows," drawing a warm bubble bath for themselves despite invitations from their friends and family to socialize, and getting a full ten hours of uninterrupted REM sleep.

Treatment: 40 ounces of Old English and as much Red Bull as is needed to make them come out and interact with human beings that aren't actors in a show on Hulu.

Pussy-whipped-errhea

(Inverse: Dick-whipped-errhea).

Causes: Condition occurs when a male is undeniably at the mercy of his high-maintenance girlfriend, and answers to her every beck and call, lest she become upset and they have to "have a talk."

Symptoms: Patient will re-prioritize said girlfriend over friends, family, food, water, and air. A sufferer might flake out on the camping trip he and his best friends have been planning for a months, only to spend the weekend at IKEA with his girlfriend, picking out patterned sheets and hand towels. Or, he might "just stay in tonight, you guys," only to be caught red-handed out on a romantic sushi date with his girlfriend and her parents, who are all pissed you showed up.

Treatments: Rapid, high-dosage exposure to neglected bro-mances and multiple extraneous boobs.

Small-Dickism

Causes: Misfortune.

Symptoms: Usually patient possesses a car so big that he must rappel down the side of it as if he were descending Mt. Everest. Or, if it's not a big car he's got, it's a needlessly expensive car that he treats like a precious newborn and yells at you if you touch anything. Either way, he's not fooling anybody.

Treatment: Get a sense of humor or something.

Cyrus Virus

Causes: Infection with Miley Cyrus. Highly contagious.

Symptoms: Butt seizures, insatiable cravings for sledgehammers and foam fingers, hair loss that occurs in curious pixie-cut patterns, compulsive duck-face, aversion to pants, drooling and tongue seizures.

Treatment: All the antibiotics, at once.

Procrastinemia

Causes: Crushing ambivalence towards a daunting, highly important task you have to complete by 5 p.m. today if you want to keep working here, missy.

Symptoms: Persistent apathy, narcolepsy, grumpiness, astounding amount of hunger for someone who just ate lunch like fifteen minutes ago, and inordinate amount of time spent reading Craigslist Missed Connections from Indianapolis just to see what Craigslist Missed Connections from Indianapolis are like.

Treatment: Total career re-haul. Time to dust off that old Arby's manager application!

Señoritis

Causes: Although closely associated with the much popularized "senoritis," señoritis is a profound and pervasive craving for Mexican food caused by the fact that it's delicious, so fuck off.

Symptoms: Intolerance to anything that's not a five-layer burrito, malnutrition.

Treatment: A refried bean IV drip and a warm tortilla compress every hour, followed by a soothing margarita bath.

Male PMS

Causes: It's just low blood sugar, you guys. They're just hungry.

Symptoms: A peculiar brand of biting pissiness, despair, rage, and hypersensitivity that's normally reserved for PMS-ing women, but becomes magnified in men who "haven't eaten since 9 a.m." or "didn't like what they had for lunch."

Treatment: Leave them alone in a dark room with comforting music playing, and be very careful not to disturb them until they've finished gutting and devouring the deer they killed during a hypoglycemic blackout, and lots of apologetic pats on the back. Life is hard.