First Child Gone Wild

He screams through the Nevada desert at obscene speeds, leaving a trail of used crack pipes, high-end prostitutes, money laundering schemes, coke baggies, and abandoned laptops in his wake. Some people call him a criminal. Some call him a degenerate. You could even go so far as to call him a gonzo freak folk character — a spoiled swamp creature run amok — a loose cannon, America’s Wild First Child. 

When it comes to Robert Hunter Biden, opinions will span the spectrum and just about everyone is tired of hearing them. But here’s what’s inarguable: He’s 54. His dad is the president. He likes to do drugs. And conspiracies swirl around this guy like shit particles around the whirlpool center of a flushing toilet.

So, since he was recently convicted on federal gun charges we figured it was finally time to crack into this strange nutcase — before he’s locked up for good. Or more realistically, before he goes to prison for a few weeks and Daddy hands him a presidential pardon.

So let’s dive in, tin foil hat first. 


The Laptop

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way off the bat — The laptop. The story was widely censored across corporate media and dismissed as a “Russian hoax.” Then, quietly, it was admitted that yes, this laptop was actually Hunter Biden’s, and yes, it contained a landfill worth of dirt — videos of the young Biden smoking crack and driving through the desert at 183 mph in his Porsche; entire email accounts full of incriminating messages alluding to strange Ukrainian connections, and Chinese money laundering schemes. It’s like he kept all his dirty laundry in one place, and somehow lost track of it. 


The Ukrainian Connection

While his father was vice president under Obama and the face of U.S. Ukrainian policy and relations, Hunter Biden was on the board of a blatantly corrupt Ukrainian company known as “Burisma” laundering tens of millions of dollars through shell companies into Biden family bank accounts. The Senate report on the incident concluded that Hunter Biden basically fucked up decades of work by career U.S. anti-corruption officers. Oops!


Business With Poo Bear

If you thought the Biden family’s Ukrainian connections were suspicious, their ties to the Chinese state are tighter and more enfettered than some rigger BDSM. The Chinese singled Hunter out as an easy mark. Just bribe the guy with cash, chinese hookers, and a little crack and you can get him to do anything. For a time, Hunter’s primary business partner was the vice president of state security in Beijing. Rich Chinese elites (with direct ties to state intelligence) paid Hunter Biden $31 million for five business deals. He’s had weird off the books meetings with the spy chief of China. And on and on it goes…


Malia Obama’s Cocaine Credit Card

A photo exists in the dark corners of the internet, from Biden’s laptop that shows six neatly cut lines of cocaine with a credit card positioned beside them. The name on the credit card? Malia Obama. 

The question is, did he share any of that coke with Malia? Or is he the kind of guy who doesn’t share his drugs?


Juan’s Word

If we’re being honest, most of the accusations leveled against Hunter Biden are kink-shaming jealous judgments of a spoiled rich kid living out a Fear and Loathing x Richie Rich x Air Force One fantasy. It’s an American dream and Hunter’s in the thick of it. But there are legitimately strange and unsettling conspiracies that reveal that Hunter Biden is less of  a “lawyer and entrepreneur” as his Wiki suggests, and more of a proxy for his father’s backchannel business deals.