Nancy Pelosi, who is the Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives and probably better known for her appearance in Michael Jackson’s 1982 music video for “Thriller,” recently executed some stock market shenanigans that border on inside trading, and just like everything else that slack-jawed ghoul has done in the last 82 years, we aren’t too happy about it.
Look, before we get into it, it’s important for us to make something clear here. We aren’t picking sides, OK? The condemnation of one political party’s actions does not imply support for the other. Just because we write pieces that talk major shit on our local Republican representatives doesn’t mean that we’re Democrats, and vice versa.
If you get one takeaway from this article, please make it this: It doesn’t matter if you’re a Republican or a Democrat. If you’re an American politician in the 21st century that’s still playing into the idea of a divisive two party system, chances are we hate you regardless of party affiliation.
So what did Pelosi do this time?
According to an article form the NYPost, Paul Pelosi, Nancy’s husband, purchased somewhere between $1 million and $5 million of stock for semiconductor company Nvidia, weeks before Congress intends to give $52 billion (We know it’s in text, but just for emphasis, that word is spelled with a “B”) in subsidies to the computer chip industry.
Pelosi quickly denied the accusations, which is exactly what we would do shortly after instructing our spouse to purchase millions of dollars of stock prior to a congressional vote, too.
During a press event, a reporter asked Pelosi if her husband had ever made stock purchases of trades after hearing about the political and financial intentions of Washington D.C.
“No,” replied Pelosi, with, we shit you not, a literal smirk on her face. “Absolutely not.”
Immediately after her denial, Pelosi walked away from her podium, which is a great strategy for anyone who has ever been accused of any sort of wrongdoing in the past.
The American public was pretty quick to cry foul, with Twitter users from all walks of life verbally crucifying the woman for (we suppose a good journalist would use the word “allegedly” here) being full of complete shit.
“How is #insidertrading and #nancypelosi not trending?” tweeted one user.
“Pushing the mic away and walking off after a genuine question is a clear sign of guilt #NancyPelosi,” tweeted another. “State pen for you. How do you sleep at night?”
At the end of the day, this only further perpetuates our idea for how politics should be done in America. It’s a simple rule, but one that we believe would fix our political system in record time: If your neck skin dangles more than two inches, or if your driver’s license should have already been revoked at your current age, you’re too old to be making decisions for the younger generations of this nation. It’s as simple as that.