Under that sweaty jungle of keratin wool, we know what you really are: not a sex supermodel. Without that beard, you're just Chirs. Or Steve. Or even Angela, depending on what's in the water. Here are a few men who illustrate the arousing ruse of male facial hair.

Under that sweaty jungle of keratin wool, we know what you really are: not a sex supermodel. Without that beard, you're just Chirs. Or Steve. Or even Angela, depending on what's in the water.

Here are a few men who illustrate the arousing ruse of male facial hair.

You only think this man is attractive because he has 340 pounds of high-grade steel wool hanging out on his face.

See what we mean? He's just a regular person hiding in plain sight.

This man has literally nothing going for him other than the ability to sprout forth strands of keratin from his face, not even his tattoos or approachable interior design sense.

A beard is like saying, "Let's get to know each other, but I will only show you half of my face." What kind of friendship is that?

Hola, me llamo Imposter.

What is he hiding?

If this man didn't have a beard, he'd probably be wet and eating trash out of the dump.

Beards: the Vegas drag queen makeup for men.

Excuse me sir, I know what you really are.

Can't we all just agree that the beard is doing the work here?

Let's just cut the crap and go back to being our normal, alarmingly unattractive selves, okay? You guys are looking a little too good and it's really taking this acid trip down a weird path. Bye, Felicia/ facial hair!