Not all your friends are actually your friends, so who are they?

Not all your friends are really your friends.

We see your Facebook friend count; your Instagram followers.

You actually know like, 50 of those people. The rest of them? Odd friends.

These are vague, minimally demanding relationships with people you know, but don't actually know. Yet, they're a majority of your so-called social circle.

So, in attempt to figure out who these people actually are and what the living heck we're doing talking to them, we've broken them down into a few groups to help us better solve the mystery of these mystifying people.

1. Bathroom friends

You met this person in the bathroom, or in line for it, at a party or a bar.

You have zero mutual friends in common, you've never seen or heard of them, and they're strangers in every sense of the word.

Yet, by some magical alignment of stars and fate, you're perfect for each other. The conversation flows like a million babbling brooks. You like their style. You instantly connect in ways that people who've know each other for decades could never even imagine.

You follow each other on social media and never talk again.

Five years later, you wonder who the fuck "Greg Harretson" is and why you're getting notified he got engaged on a yacht. Gross. Un-follow.

2. The completely unwarranted Facebook friend

Through some mysterious internet k-hole, these people have discovered your social media profile and requested to be a small part of your life despite the fact that they're 46 years older than you and live in Borneo. That, or they're 18, "Looking for a hot guy to fuck tonight, DM me *wink*" and their profile picture is a stolen stock photo of a good looking person.

You have no idea why they've chosen you as distant contacts considering the only things you post are inane pun memes and half-baked TV show ideas you think are hilarious. Yet, in a weird way, you don't mind because they contribute to your growing egomania by demonstrating a very suspicious interest in the mundanity of your life.

They're fairly active on your pages, liking things at will and leaving their political opinions about abortion on your benign selfie posts, but who cares? They're like the nosy friend or aunt you already have 12 of! They can stay.

3. The friend who doesn't know what a "reciprocal conversation" means

This is the person that goes, "I think I'm getting a double chin" when you tell them you were just diagnosed with cancer but to deal with the stress, you've senselessly murdered 42 people but it doesn't matter because you were just elected president.

Regardless of what you say to this person, they're not listening to you. They're in your presence, but they're in their head. They're extremely self-absorbed and will only talk about themselves. Never mind the fact that when you're listening to her, you punctuate their rants with all sorts of questions that propel the conversation forward like a normal person, but when you attempt to do the same, they cuts you off with a "Dude, do I look fat in this?"

It's like you're more of a voice recorder than a legitimate human, but you're not getting this kind of treatment on purpose. This type of odd friend merely thinks the way to relate to people is through talking about yourself. Luckily for them, you like them enough to let them do it, but you'll never really breach friendship territory considering you've known them for 11 years and know everything about them, but they're not sure whether you have siblings or what exactly you do for work.

4. The friend who you can't be alone with under any circumstance

Everything's fine when other people are around, but the moment you two are alone, you both immediately start scrolling through the annals of your phone because you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what to say to each other. This leaves both of you petrified to be left on your lonesome, so you've both developed a Rolodex of genius tactics to avoid ever having to be alone in a car together, be the first ones at the restaurant, or be temporarily stranded talking to each other at a party.

It's not that you don't like each other, it's just that you've developed zero friendship connection whatsoever. Maybe it's because one of you thinks the other is too cool and is intimidated, or maybe it's that you just haven't had the opportunity to bond yet, but either way, neither of you have entered the friend zone. Whatever your weird relationship is, it's blisteringly awkward and makes you question your own social skills to no end. After all, you like this person. Why can't you talk to them?

5. The friend you have to be "on" with

This type of odd friend is terrified of having an earnest interaction, so your friendship with him is always some kind of absurd skit — you always have to be "on" when you’re hanging out.

Sometimes the skit is that you both burst out laughing at everything constantly.  Your friendship only exists in the “This is so fucking hilarious I can't take it!” mode, so in order to survive, you yourself always have to be in some kind of joke-telling or sarcastic mood or you'll totally kill the vibe.

Another version of this is the "always sarcastic"  friend, who you really bum out if you ever break character by saying something earnest. This type of person speaks in sarcastic riddles and rhymes, and you're never really sure if they're being serious or just having conversations with you that are impressions of actual conversations you could be having. They hate serious people because something about earnestness asks that they unravel themselves from their sarcastic safety blanket  let the sun touch his face, and no fucking thanks.

6. The platonic opposite gender friend who you'll probably marry in 15 years after their spouse dies and you wake up out of a coma

"If we're not married by the time we're 40, let's marry each other."

Enough said.

7. The childhood buddy who you'd never speak to today if you hadn't bonded over your love of Furbies in 1999

You wouldn't be caught dead hanging out with this person in current times, but a long time ago, in a world far, far away, you were best friends as children.

You don't see them often, but when you do, it's like no time has passed. Even though you have nothing in common and lead completely disparate lives, you love them to death because you've had 20+ years of shared experience together. Despite all odds, you'll inexplicably remain friends until the day you die.

8. The opposite schedules friend

You completely adore each other, but while you're at your 9-5, they're sleeping through the day so they work their bar shift until the wee hours of the morning. In the hour or so during which you're both awake at the same time, you text constantly, but when you try to hang out, you're either inviting them to a party they can't go to because, bar shift, or they're telling you to come to their DJ thing on the Tuesday night before your 8 a.m. conference call and … no.

One day you'll both call in sick from work and paint the town red, but until then, they're just the person eating up your cell phone data with the threat of a beautiful friendship.

9. The friend you absolutely abhor, but pretend to love

All of your friends are friends with this person, so it would make sense that you would be too. But there's just something about them that you HAAAATE. Actually, make that 43 things, to be exact. And they return the favor.

In large groups, you guys survive by just lightly ignoring each other and talking to your mutual friends. It's civil and cordial, and you fake hug or fake say hi when you see them, but outside of crowds, you avoid them like they're a syphilitic plague demon and silently delight when you hear they've been dumped. Real mature.

10. Your girlfriend's or boyfriend's friends

In these people's minds, you will never be "their" friend; rather, you're a person they will tolerate who also happens to be fucking their friend.

You all get along great, and in fact, you'd actually hang out with some of them on your own, but there's some invisible, wordless boundary separating you from them because in their minds, you're great, but temporary. Even if you're bloody married to their friend, there's always this nagging voice in the back of their minds that tell them not to get to close to you because at any moment, you could be done.

Yet, when you you do get dumped by your girlfriend or boyfriend, it's their friends you miss the most.

You spend the next 10 years having awkward run ins with them, occassionally banging one or two for revenge before you move to a different city and forget they were ever born. Ah, the circle of life.

11. Your dad's best friend Dick

God damn it, why is your dad's best friend Dick so cool?!

This is the guy that insisted you have a shot of tequila with him when you were 15 and about to take your driver's test .

This is the guy who wear's a captains hat and tells rip-roaring stories about doing cocaine off a cop's baton in the '70s.

This the guy who you go to lunch with when you're parents are busy working so they can afford to pay your rent even though you're 28, and makes you laugh-cry with his impression of a Ceaser salad. Who impersonates a salad? DICK DOES AND HE'S FUCKING AWESOME. DICK FOREVER, DICK OR DIE.

We love you, Jerry.