"Walk with me thru the pathway to more success …”

Few people had a better year than DJ Khaled in 2015 — other than maybe Elon Musk, or the first black Storm Trooper. Khaled Mohamed Khaled (the DJ so nice they named him twice), ruled this past year while never seemingly leaving his super buoyant neon jet ski. Who doesn’t want that? Status, bottomless ribs, bottomless pussy, occupying two seats simultaneously courtside at Miami Heat games …

By following all of the advice DJ Khaled gave via Snapchat in 2015, laid out on the site theydontwantyouto.win, we figured we too could have it all. So, we selected some of his most invaluable offerings to motivate us to be the best we can be this 2016.

DJ take the wheel…

1. “Almond Milk + Cinnamon Toast Crunch = Major Key to success.”

For some reason, many of DJ Khaled’s keys to success are about food, breakfast specifically. It makes sense, breakfast is the most important meal of the day after all. We’re not sure how many adults consume Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but then again, we aren’t friends with Drake, so who are we to judge?

Anyway, file this one under “Eat right” in the New Year’s Resolutions desk organizer you definitely have.

2. “Bless up. Egg whites, turkey bacon, hash browns, water.”

Okay man, we get it.

3. “The key to success is to have a lot of pillows. A lot.”

Whereas the innate turmoil with the tired cliché ‘Mo’ money, mo’ problems’ is self-evident, the same cannot be said about surplus decorative throw pillows from Pier 1. Mo’ pillows is exactly what we need to finally break soil on our own uniquely-flavored peanut empire this year. A boy-girl can dream.

4. “The key [to success] is to have every key.”

He isn’t wrong?

5. “To succeed you must believe, when you believe you will succeed.”

This may or may not have been the opening pitch in Bernie Madoff’s early days, but he was successful for a while there so we’re going to use this as the spiritual mantra we recite during our Kegel routine.

6.  “They don’t want you to have a jet ski. They don’t want you to smile.”

At first, we thought this was more of a metaphor for life, like the jet ski is success and “they” is all the things keeping you from it. But then we started to take this piece of advice more literally, and realized that if you really have the right jet ski, you’re not going to be smiling at all. The ground speed on that miracle of modern engineering is going to wipe the smile right off your fat face. Therefore, Khaled really means that you deserve the best. This next year is going to be the year you treat yourself like royalty n’ stuff.

7. “The key to success is to not drive your jet ski in the dark.”

More jet ski stuff? Okay, shit…

We’re taking this bit of sage wisdom to mean that you should always have a plan in place. You can’t just Ski-Doo into the middle of the Atlantic during the witching hour and expect yourself to Ski-Doo out.

8. “They don’t want you to be on a jet ski doing 360s.”

No, they want you doing 180s. A 360 means you’re back in the same place you started from, and from the looks of it, that place is populated by one, very flabby person: you. Get on the Stairmaster and heave your way to New You Version 2.016.

9. “Every conversation you have, even with your best friend, start off saying, ‘This is off the record.’”

Shit might get weird with this one … especially with your stepdad, Curtis, on lasagna night: “Yo, Curtis, is off the record, could you pass the parmesan? Pressh.”

Whatever. This new secretive side of you is sure to attract insane people who know how to fuck. Moving on …

10. “It’s important to use cocoa butter.”

Ashy elbows are not a key to success. If we were to test a marginally sized sample pool of Fortune 500 CEOs, we’d posit very few had elbows not adequately moisturized in the finest cocoa butter.

Make 2016 your bitch by silkening your skin.

11. “I told y’all this before, when you all have a swimming pool, don’t use chlorine, use salt water. It’s the healing.”

That advice seems like a pretty solid way of contracting MRSA through one’s pee hole, but rich people don’t worry about MRSA. Unsuccessful people worry about MRSA, while DJ Khaled’s busy pouring himself glasses of champagne underwater … Reach for the stars.

12. “Bless up. Don’t play yourself.”

Just don’t.

If you follow these rules in 2016 and still fail, it’s not DJ Khaled, it’s you. It’s nearly time for the ball drop and in the words of DJ Khaled: “Another one.”