I'd rather die in a garbage fire than move again …

I recently had the displeasure of moving out of my apartment. Let it be known that I am really bad at moving. Like, really shockingly horrible at it. 

When ranking my least favorite activities: being dismembered and eaten alive by a large group of miniature crabs is about tied with moving. I’d rather watch every single episode of The Big Bang Theory (currently 207 episodes) back-to-back in one bathroom-break-free sitting than go through the supremely torturous process of moving. That would be about 3.1 full days of The Big Bang Theory, by the way.

As all this happened, I learned a few thing about moving and myself. Here are some of them.

I own too much shit

Why the hell do I own so much stuff? It feels like every time I move, I throw away half my possessions and yet I still own mountains of junk. I've lived out of a backpack for months at a time while traveling and yet I have enough random crap in my apartment to fill the largest Costco ever built.

Moving always takes 500 percent longer than expected

Moving is a lot like college. You went into college thinking it would take you 4 quick years, but it ended up taking 7. Moving is a time warp, and you are going to get stuck in it. Next time you move, just never unpack — make your next attempt that much easier. 

Ikea furniture is unbelievably heavy

Everyone knows Ikea furniture is made to be as cheap as possible. That $120 dresser was $120 because it's made of cement and faux wood patterned paper. You're going to throw your back out trying to move it and you're going to feel like an old man afterwards. 

My house was infested with spiders that sucked at being spiders

When moving out of my place, I came to realize that my apartment was a spider death camp and I was basically just a guest at their funeral. Secretly, I had been living amongst hoards of deceased 8-legged heathens. Behind every piece of furniture were countless dead spiders who had obviously picked a bad place to live. Hey spiders, that was my apartment, not yours. 

My elderly neighbor had no idea what I looked like? 

Seriously, Joan? You had no problem coming down to my apartment to bitch about me doing laundry after twelve o'clock and never once did you catch a glimpse of what I looked like? That's funny, because your wretched face will haunt my dreams for the rest of time. 

Garbage bags > boxes

All my possessions are garbage anyway. Nothing deserves boxes. Garbage bags may not be the classiest storage option but they are certainly the easiest. Also, you get like 40 garbage bags in one box. Look at you, you frugal son-of-a-bitch

No one wants to help you move. No one. 

It would probably be easier to find someone to surrogate your child or co-sign a mortgage than help you move. Certainly can't blame them. I'd rather jump into an active volcano than help a buddy move. Plan accordingly. 

Why do I own a sombrero?

I don't recall ever acquiring a sombrero. How the hell did this end up in my house? Did a mariachi band break into my house one night while I was sleeping and leave this festive floppy hat behind? I feel like I would have heard them. It's a nice sombrero, but am I really a sombrero kind of guy? 

It’s hard to balance beer drinking with actual packing

The only way to get someone to help you move is with promises of lots of beer. That's fine, however after the first couple of beers organizing things and managing to give a fuck about not breaking the antique coffee table your great-grandfather smuggled out of Germany during the Nazi occupation is impossible. 

Debating keeping something? Throw it out immediately

If you question keeping something for more than 2 seconds throw that shit out. You're not gonna find yourself wishing you could play Hot Cross Buns on the recorder you got in third grade music class. Throw it away and stop be a lunatic hoarder. All a person really needs is a toothbrush and a towel, owning anything else is just vain and materialistic 

Fuck a U-Haul, rent a wood chipper

U-Hauls are a pain in the ass to drive around and are impossible to pack efficiently. Inevitably, your furniture is going to get damaged in a U-Haul, because you aren't a professional mover and your furniture from Target was meant to be disposable. Just rent a wood chipper and shred everything to pieces. It'll at least make moving a little entertaining. 

Would re-signing the lease have been that bad? 

Yeah, your roommate was collecting samples of hair while you slept. Yeah, they liked to constantly sharpen their collection of machetes while looking you in the eye and laughing maniacally. Then there were the roaches, the mice, the tweekers licking your kitchen windows every afternoon. Those things were slightly inconvenient, but would re-signing the lease really have been that bad? At least you wouldn't have had to move …

Photo: a-1 Storage