Mannings don’t cheat, they win …

Over the weekend, Al Jezeera published a report accusing Peyton Manning of using human growth hormone (HGH), a substance banned by the NFL because of its performance enhancing effects.

Manning calls the report "garbage" — and everyone who follows Peyton Manning’s career immediately scoffed at the accusations as well. After all, how could a guy this boring, this calculated, this vanilla, this straight-laced, this by-the-books (did we mention boring?) do something like this?

He wouldn’t. He has no reason to. He's already injured and (probably) out for the season, so why dope up for the bench? In his downtime, the guy is is far too busy de-pretzeling his Chex Mix and shopping for size 8 3/8 size sun visors to do something so nefarious as HGH.

In fact, here’s a non-exhaustive list of all the things Peyton Manning is probably doing right now instead of cheating by taking HGH …

1. Preheating the oven to 425 to cook his pizza rolls, each placed one inch apart, for 10 minutes, or until they are a perfect internal temperature of 145 degrees, instead of microwaving them for 30 seconds.

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2. Writing a monthly "West Wing" fan fiction installment under the pen name ‘Tim Tierdmont.’

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3. Listening to a loop of the Gene Hackman’s locker room speech in "Hoosiers," while cross-stitching the Denver Bronco’s logo from memory. 

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4. Re-gifting that Brookstone app-controlled Wire Spy Tank Eli got him for X-Mas … again.

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5. Calling an audible "Omaha!!!!" while banging his wife from behind.

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6. Daring to drink an entire six-pack of Bud Lights at his Cherry Hills Village home while his wife is out shopping.

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7. Doing Karaoke of that one Crazy Town song after having a solid three Mike’s Hard Lemonades.

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8. Out dad-joking Archie in an epic, unscripted dad-joke face off.

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9. Analyzing the nickel defenses in "Any Given Sunday."

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10. Sending an Edible Arrangement to a random address just because.

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11. Watching then re-watching "Little Giants" for authenticity and to ensure no one was ever talkin' bout nobody's momma.

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12. Throat-punch Papa John (mentally) while co-endorsing thick and crispy pepperoni crust in actuality.