Since December is the month when everyone and their mother does some kind of holiday gift guide, as is traditional in conglomerate media, we decided to do the opposite. Instead, we whipped up a list of things you really want this holiday season. No iPads, no Best Buy gift cards, no hand-held underwater camera thing you're sure to use once then trade for blow. Just pure, unadulterated holiday desires that we know you have … or at least we do.
Since December is the month when everyone and their mother does some kind of holiday gift guide, as is traditional in conglomerate media, we decided to do the opposite. Instead, we whipped up a list of things you really want this holiday season. No iPads, no Best Buy gift cards, no hand-held underwater camera thing you're sure to use once then trade for blow. Just pure, unadulterated holiday desires that we know you have … or at least we do.
1. A bigger penis
It doesn't have to be a late-summer zucchini or anything, just a few inches longer. And maybe a half an inch wider. And maybe with a snappier foreskin. Oh, oh, and maybe it doesn't stick out of your gym shorts, but you can still see its girthy outline through the sweat-resistant fabric. AND! And … maybe when someone asks, "Is it in yet?" the penis replies in a robot voice, "Locked and loaded. Let's smoke this bitch."
2. A FUPA that doesn't need its own bra
You don't need a gym membership. You don't need any fancy work out equipment. You don't need a series of diet books entitled "How to Reach Your Goal Weight by Stranding Yoursel in the Smokey Mountains." No; all your really want for Christmas is just a FUPA that doesn't need its own Victoria's Secret membership. It doesn't even have to go away completely; you'd just be happy if the weight and excess of your own physical form didn't necessitate its own harness system.
3. This Louis Vuitton rich person punching bag
A.) Because it'll make you feel like you're punching contrived design in it's stupid face. B.) Because you can take your anger out on the 1%. C.) It'll look great in the den next to the polar bear rug.
4. For your roommate to never be home
Oh, hey Crystal. Looks like you're in the living room again … sitting on my couch. I see you're wearing my sweat pants. No, no that's cool. I'm just surprised you were able to remove yourself from the couch to find them. You're always just … in the living room, so … anyway, I guess my date and I will go into my room and fuck silently and gently. I wouldn't want to interrupt your "job search," which you've been mysteriously conducting on Netflix. Okay, well, I guess I'll see you in the morning when I catch you drinking my orange juice. We can go over what the meaning of "Don't touch my shit" is again then. 'Night.
5. For your professor to see past your declining performance and notice you're just a sexual being, like anyone
Oh, if he would only notice that your third paper re-write is just a mask for your blooming sexuality that must be tamed and shaped by more experienced hands, it would truly be a Christmas miracle.
6. No-hangover alcohol
Let's face it. In your advanced age of 24 years, you just can't drink like you could when you were 23. Somewhere along the way, the party stopped when your liver called the metaphorical cops, and alcohol began to make you feel less social and more suicidal. Increasingly, drinking makes you feel like a desiccated cow turd in the morning, and you've begun to fabricate excuses to your friends why you're not drinking tonight. Your longing to return to the excessive imbibing of your youth makes you crave a libation that won't murder you in the morning. Yes, a no-hangover alcohol. Modern science has figured out how to launch people into deep space, but it hasn't figured out how stop you from vomiting on your one night stand. How about that for Christmas?
7. Motivation to do something with your life
What if you woke up, went downstairs, sat by the Christmas tree with your family, and opened a present that contained all the motivation you needed to use you 18+ years of education and street smarts to make something of yourself? Right on.
8. A sugar daddy or momma
They always say "More money, more problems," but they clearly haven't seen your credit card debt bill or how expensive that jacket you want is. So this year, for Christmas, all you'd like is a mature benefactor who can support you financially in exchange for the joys of your company. Maybe your company is only a joy when, say, you're naked and wearing a luchador bondage outfit, but no matter. After years of therapy and a zero balance on your student loans, you'll look back on those times and have a good laugh.
9. A pizza vending machine
Can someone tell us how this isn't a thing yet? Barbaric.
10. A boyfriend or girlfriend that won't cheat on you, but is confident enough to let you cheat on them
It's the gift that keeps on giving. And giving. And giving.
11. Happy Feet on DVD
Whoa, how did this one get in here?
12. And everyone's favorite … to live in a world where police didn't kill you for looking at them funny, weed was legal, there was no war, and everyone just got along … So Canada. You want to live in Canada for Christmas.
Sorry, not gonna happen.
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