College is all fun and games until you graduate and realize that your Techniques of Prehistorical Taxidermy class won’t quite apply to the real world like you hoped it would. Instead, here are some classes you need for real life.
College is all fun and games until you graduate and realize that your Techniques of Prehistorical Taxidermy class won’t quite apply to the real world like you hoped it would. Instead, here are some classes you need for real life.
1. Selecting a Tattoo That Won’t Cause Lifelong Shame
Deciding on the right tattoo is both a science and an art. In this in-depth seminar, we’ll look at the inevitable way tattoos age over time when they’re on your FUPA, decide between a flaming horseshoe and an infinity sign that’s also a snake, debate whether at-home self-tattoos are superior to drunken Tijuana mud-ink, and research at-home limb amputation options for when all else fails.
2. Mechanics of GayDar
Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he a polyamorous metrosexual with occasional asexual tendencies dependent on what flavor of tinted lip balm he’s wearing — but still calls you “babe”? We’ll learn how trying to “see past the man bun and tote bag” is futile, and develop, from scratch, a life-applicable machine capable of analyzing sexuality so you can find out whether he looks at you like “yeah” or “nah.”
3. Relational Ceramics
With only a partner and some clay, you can build something beautiful together. As the semester progresses, we gradually break down, bit by bit, the integrity and soul of your art piece using small, sharp tools, until finally, as the course comes to a close, we’ll create a better looking, richer object to replace the fat parts of your original. The metaphors are endless.
4. The Psychology of Making Daddy Love You
We’ll go big, delving into what it takes to finally, blissfully, achieve fatherly approval. We’ll learn to select collared shirts, acquire jobs that don’t involve pizza, enlarge our neck muscles and toss the ol’ pigskin as if we aren’t sissies who can’t finish our prime rib on account of our girl stomachs. To be taken in conjunction with “Arguing with Mother Will Only Make it Worse.”
5. How to Make Your Texts Go Bye-Bye Forever
We all know when you delete texts, they’re not gone forever … or do we? Wait, does that mean the text that says: “Yum yum teacher bum” with a photo of a peach isn’t actually off your phone? That it’s probably being uploaded to the Internet by the NSA agent who just intercepted it? That your life as you know it is totally over? Yes. This course is restricted to those who have taken “Clearing Your Browser History 101.”
6. The Art of Pooping in Public
Precision, stealth and gastrointestinal fortitude will be the names of the game in this challenging course on public defecation. We’ll find out what the best excuse is for why you were in the bathroom so long, which scents and sounds work best for distractions and how much toilet paper you should use to avoid large-scale deforestation. We’ll also embark on several fascinating field trips while searching for the best public restrooms on campus and beyond.
7. The Economics of Paycheck Management
You know what you need to buy more of? Nothing, because you made $653 dollars last pay period! Together, we’ll devise an economical plan to live without spending a dime. We’ll stop eating, eliminating the need for food money, and join a circus, which will take care of both entertainment and physical exercise costs. We’ll learn to camp like any self-respecting vagrant (see ya later, rent money), and master the art of horse-thievery (kiss my ass, car insurance).
8. Geolocating the Human Clitoris
The human female clitoris is possibly the last unmapped territory known to our species. Sure, you know the general location of the elusive organ, but this class is designed for people who want to take it a step farther and actually find it. We’ll use the most sophisticated technology of today, including satellite imaging, Google Maps, headlamps and old-fashioned rooting around to find that little fucker if it’s the last thing we do.
9. DIA: From Troglodytes to Tear gas, Man
What’s under DIA? We’ll use art to turn these myths into our own subjective realities using a variety of media, such as gargoyles and militia paintings. We’ll enjoy a semester of exciting guests to stoke your creative fires, including a panel from the Troglodyte Kingdom, someone who can explain the tunnel thing, a Native American who may or may not have cursed it and the ghost of the guy who was crushed under the weight of his own creation, the Demon Horse. Artistic irony, anyone?
10. Accepting That Your First Real Job is Basically Indentured Servitude
Although everyone is very proud and excited you got a job after college, the salary they’ve offered you would make a Bangladeshi child laborer laugh out loud. Don’t fret; in this course, you’ll learn to convince yourself and your loved ones that your first job after college is a “jumping off point.” After about five years or so, we’ll dig into why you lack the motivation to leave, and after 10, you’ll qualify for AARP and receive a commemorative mug.
11. Is There Baby Powder in My Molly?: A Chemical Analysis Primer
Have you ever wondered whether your cocaine was just a Pixie Stick? If so, this is the class for you. We’ll learn to test the composition of your party drugs using simple methodology that includes not getting them from your cousin “T-Bag.” We’ll also cover the proper way to ensure your dealer ain’t no snitch bitch. But we won’t stop there; we’ll determine the difference between molly, moon rocks and whatever else you kids are calling that shit these days.
12. The Linguistic History of “I Can’t Even”
A linguistic trend recently emerged to describe utter shock, disgust, happiness, or … wait, every single adjective. The phrase “I Can’t Even” is plastered across every social media outlet known to man. How did we come to incorporate a phrase that essentially means “very very?” When did the usage of this dreadful preface to an otherwise intelligent sentence begin? What does it mean for the downfall of society?
13. Introduction to SeinLanguage: Decoding Seinfeld in the Modern Arena
This course will demonstrate how to translate the lessons Jerry Seinfeld taught us into a language modern people can understand. We’ll discuss how to convey that women don’t respect salad eaters via Snapchat, explain that you can actually trust a re-gifter if it’s an e-gift sent during the weekday, and teach you exactly what the parking situation is at the Special Olympics.
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