If you read our magazine or website, it's a safe bet to assume that's where you're going. Don't worry, we'll prepare you.

If you read our magazine or website, it's a safe bet to assume you're going to Hell.

And no, we don't mean Littleton, Colorado, but you could absolutely do a trial run there.

Between the drinking, premarital sex and saying God's name in vain during both, you're pretty much qualified for a First Class ticket down below.

So, since we've been there and returned thanks to the power of positive thinking, we made you a little "what to expect when you're expecting everlasting damnation" guide. Hopefully with it, you'll acclimate to your new surroundings with ease and eternal screaming.

Enjoy!

1. Bono replaces your boner

Don't assume just because you're in Hell that you can't express your sexuality. There will be many temptations of the flesh throughout the region, and although you've been toiling for eternity, you'll be surprised at just how randy you are.

The only problem? Whenever you sprout a boner and whip out your willy for some nice satanic sex, that thing will turn into Bono so fast you can't even say "Uno, dos, tres, catorce!" before it's too late. You can still have sex in this state, but only if you're willing to listen to Songs of Innocence from start to finish and have a discussion about Bono's influences and eyewear preferences.

The worst part? This is sheerly because "Bono" sounds like "boner" and for absolutely no other reason than that.

2. Red Hot Chilly Willy Dilly Pepper Sillies

These are just demons who write lyrics like Anthony Kiedis. Expect them when you least expectawect them.

3. Justin Bieber's one dread

Just when you think you've escaped the fiery anguish, you'll feel a tickle on your leg and … fuck. It's one of Justin Bieber's dreads. It's alive, and it slowly inches towards you like a worm no matter where you are so that even if you're miles away, you know it's coming for you.

4. Ashton Kutcher describing technology

"Okay, so like, get THIS. We rigged this on/off button to like, light up when you voltage the controller, yeah like the MP3s are UNBELIEVABLE AMPAGE gonna punk that Freddy Muniz Jr. with this mega-watt capacitator! V1 speed, all the way!"

5. Some kind of sadistic mash-up of Pitbull and Dave Matthews Band

There is no word in the English language horrendous enough to describe, so you'll have to just choose your own adventure on this one.

6. U.S. Congress filibusters

This was already an earthly torment, but in Hell, the issues Congressmen and women are filibustering only have to do with issues freshmen moving into the dorms for the first time experience. They're things like deciding which hand towels go best with the shower mats in the bathrooms, which wall Trisha should put her IKEA desk on, whether to buy wicker or plastic storage containers and whether it's really cold enough for flannel sheets or should you just stick with cotton for now.

7. Work meetings where your boss tries to tries to assert his authority by speaking but isn't really sure what he wants to say so he just talks about nothing for two hours and then when you get out Marsha ate all the donuts from the kitchen and you have to eat Chipotle for the fifth time in a row because you office is in an office park and you only get 30 minutes for lunch every day which means there's no time to drive anywhere else so day in and day out you just try not to get E.coli at a burrito chain while you contemplate your meaningless existence and then all of the webpages you need to work on start loading really slowly so you couldn't even Craigslist baby animals if you tried

Those free kittens are the only things that saved you on Earth, but in Hell, the WiFi really sucks.

8. There's always going to be something in your eye

… But it'll be something your own body made like an eyelash. If you get it out, another one will take its place. As a consequence, one of your eyes will always be droopier and more red than the other, and the facial symmetry that you relied on so much on Earth will fuck you in the ass.

9. Barking. Fucking. Dogs

It would really suck to live in a world where there are no doggos, no cuddly human companions that made your day a little brighter. Don't worry, they're there in Hell, they're just always barking. At nothing. You don't even get it; the mailman didn't come by, there were no helicopters, nobody broke into the home … they're just asserting themselves in order to extinguish a threat that doesn't exist and sounding like real assholes doing it.

10. People will always find this meme funny …

… it's not funny.

11. Rooster's horoscopes

Cancer
You know how “they” say that “hindsight is 20/20” all the time? The stars are no more aware of who this “they” person is than we are, but that saying is spot on for your sex life in the New Year. Instead of hanging around the same old rag-tag bunch of rapscallions, focus your sex laser beam on someone who hasn’t broken your heart, which, knowing you, is basically like two people.

NOOOOOOOOOO.

12. Pigeons

Pigeons here. Pigeons there. Pigeons everywhere. Pigeons.

13. LOW TALKERS.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SAY? I'M HAVING TROUBLE HEARING YOU OVER THE DEAFENING ROAR OF PITBULL MATTHEWS."

For the rest of eternity, youu will be smiling and nodding like you understood, looking around for someone you know to please, for the love of Hades, get you out of this nonsense conversation, but no one will notice you because their eyes are being picked out by pigeons. Did we mention there are pigeons everywhere?

14. Automated calling systems

Have a problem? No problem.

Although your call may be recorded for quality assurance, please feel fee to dial 1-800-HEL-LPME at any time for assistance.

Please start by saying you name into the reciever and pressing the pound key.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Please start by saying you name into the reciever and pressing the pound key.

Please start by saying you name into the reciever and pressing the pound key.

Wiggly McSnugglebottoms? Is that correct?

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.

Please start by saying you name into the reciever and pressing the pound key.

You'd like to say your name, is that correct?

Farfanoogin Latency Brow? Is that correct?

Let me transfer you.

Have a problem? No problem.

Although your call may be recorded for quality assurance, please feel fee to dial 1-800-HEL-LPME at any time for assistance.

Please start by saying you name into the reciever and pressing the pound key.

I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that.