Q: What did the blonde do with her asshole in the morning? A: Oh, you mean Vladimir Putin? They listened to U2 together. While lesser publications are off making “Of the Year” lists for their December issues, we’ve conspired to put together a much more relevant list for our dear readers: who 2014’s biggest asswipes are. And good lord, was there a lot to chose from.

While lesser publications are off making “Of the Year” lists for their December issues, we’ve conspired to put together a much more relevant list for our dear readers: who 2014’s biggest asswipes are. And good lord, was there a lot to chose from. But after knocking back a few eggnogs and pouring over this year’s events, we finally came up with 14 assholes to rule them all, because you’re going to need something to talk about to prevent your drunkle Jim from passing out in the holiday ham.

1. LinkedIn’s Marketing Guy

Networking is the first thing business school teaches you, second only to needing a Master’s to make that degree worth anything. But it’s important that people network for the sake of showing off their embellished resumes. And that’s why LinkedIn is an amazing invention. That is, except for the asshole who decided that every time a new user signs up, the website would take their contacts, determine who had yet to join the site and then blast them with an invite disguised as an email sent from a friend.

Fuck you, guy from LinkedIn. Each morning, we wake to the beautiful world and check our emails to see what brilliant things are happening around our beautiful lives only to see our email bombarded with jolly invites to LinkedIn like it’s the last sanctuary for the zombie apocalypse. If we want to join LinkedIn, we’ll join LinkedIn. Until then, we’re still coming up with adjectives to describe our under-qualified and over-exaggerated job references.

2. Facebook for fucking up Rooster’s reach

Let’s get this out there: Rooster has content that the people need. Our prose, narrative thrusts and deep-tissue back massages comfort the souls of the lost generation, uniting the masses over such journalistic topics as sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

But there’s an asshole sitting between our worshipers and us, requiring that in order to spread the good word of our gospel, we hit the “boost” button — for a nominal fee. But while Facebook charges us to provide content on the website, YouTube pays us to provide content on the website. When media is limited to who pays the most for exposure, the tables tilt and the only thing that moves forward is mediocrity enjoyed by the masses. It’s no wonder we’ve morphed into a world of clickbait and listicles that numb society to the point where individuals refer to Buzzfeed for confirmation as to whether they’re living life correctly.

But you know, since our cheap asses refuse to pay to promote this, no one is reading it anyway.

3. Vladimir Putin

If there were ever an ostentatious movie villain hell-bent on changing the world for their diabolical ways, Vladimir Putin would be that villain. Don’t get us wrong; the guy is a stud. That shirtless horse-riding crusader has recklessly shut down foreign-owned media companies, banned foreign luxury foods and even went as far as restructuring the school textbook policy so school books contain more …um … government-approved lessons — all without losing a point in approval ratings.

Honestly, we admire the guy. In the 21st century, Vladimir Putin tells the world — and subsequently his people — to go fuck itself. Invade Ukraine? Don’t mind if I do. Fly airplanes into Swedish controlled territories? Absolutely. The only thing Vladimir doesn’t do is listen to Barack Obama. And you know what? His country loves him. While we’re on the brink of another cold war, Vladimir Putin is pumping out Judo training guides that are quickly making him the most published author in Russia, and for that we tip our hat to the asshole.

4. Amanda Bynes

In any other circumstance, presenting an insane person with the the title of “Biggest Asshole” would qualify us for a spot on the same list, but Amanda Byne’s situation is a special one. That’s because Amanda Bynes is intentionally psychotic. Whether she’s assaulting our retinas with repetitive Twitter insanity, falsely accusing her dad of sexual abuse, telling Rihanna that Chris Brown beat her because she’s ugly, or making comments like “It goes against my religion to follow an ugly person … That’s why I feel pretty,” she makes it a point to be a controversial mega-bitch. And that’s when she’s not busy asking Drake to “murder her vagina,” getting DUIs, throwing perfectly good bongs out of windows or shoplifting purses despite being a self-
proclaimed “multimillionaire.”

Look, Amanda “What a Girl Wants” right now is for you to stop being an asshole.

5. Tim Cook and Apple for putting U2 on our phones

If you haven’t blocked the trauma out of your memory, you might remember the dark, dark September day Apple mysteriously uploaded U2’s album “Songs Of Innocence” to 500 million people’s iTunes. Although Apple was right in making it so no one had to actually pay to listen to U2, the forcible insertion of their awful album into our music libraries felt less like charity and more like auditory date rape to the millions who received it without consent.

Shortly thereafter, Apple’s senior VP of Internet software and services told Billboard that only 5 percent of users actually downloaded the album and only 81 million had “experienced” it in one way or another.

Due to the massive unpopularity of the move, Apple and U2 ended up apologizing for the incident and removing the album. However, the lifelong emotional and musical scars we all felt after we “experienced” those U2 songs will stay with us longer than the rest of U2 has stayed with Bono despite his insistence that wrap-around sunglasses are an “indoor” accessory.

6. Ray Rice

On February 15, 2014, a new level of asshole was born when Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice sucker-punched his fiancee Janay Palmer twice and dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator at the Revel Casino in Atlantic City, New Jersey. For the incident, which was captured on surveillance footage.

Rice received a pitiful two-game suspension, and the criminal charges against him were later dropped after he agreed to undergo counseling. Adding to the asshole cauldron is the fact that, prior to his wife-beating days, he did charity work at a shelter for battered women in Baltimore because of the domestic violence his own mother endured. That’s like a serial killer volunteering at a mortuary.

Rice isn’t the first professional athlete to be charged with grievous domestic abuse, but the silver-lining of this story is that the extremely limited suspension he initially received and the fact he was able to use his celebrity to skip jail time called attention to unfair athlete privilege in a major way, causing the NFL to change its rules about domestic violence game suspensions.

It’s too bad he couldn’t channel that anger towards running a series of pizza chains like our boy Peyton.

6. North West

You might argue she’s just a child. You might argue that she didn’t choose her parents. You might argue that she can’t even speak English yet, so gauging her asshole level at this point is premature. But we care not. She just has that look about her. All it takes is one glance into her little underdeveloped eyes to know that North West is an asshole.

Let’s be real: Growing up with a daddy who thinks he’s Jesus and a mommy who’s famous for having a butt doesn’t exactly spell “Nice, modest celebrity spawn who won’t organize your beheading.” No, we’re pretty sure any progeny of Kimye is a recipe for entitled excess and birthday sleepovers riddled with the blood of gladiators hired to entertain.

Case in point: Look at Willow and Jaden Smith. Those kids were in the same ultra-privileged situation, and now they’re inventing new meta-religions, questioning whether mirrors exist, and dating North West’s aunt, Kendall Jenner. So while North is still learning to not poop on Kanye West’s forearms during diaper changes now, we pinky-swear you that her future as a foremost female asshole looks brighter than the sun.

7. The Fappening Hackers

Hailed as the biggest celebrity nude leak in the history of ever, The Fappening was the result of a network of hackers using simple password-guessing to infiltrate the iCloud accounts of famous people. Upon finding that these famous people had a whole lot of famous photos of their famous genitals, the hackers released the skin pics to the public, asking for money in return. Welcome to Asshole-Town!

But as if the hacking and leaking wasn’t a big enough gesture of douchebaggery, one of the hackers actually came forward to complain that not enough money was made in the venture. “Too many people want this shit for free,” he said. “I’ve worked too hard for that sort of return.”

Sorry, what? You think you’re owed something by society for humiliating people and blackmailing them? Puh-lease. The only thing you’re owed is a cellmate who can’t quite fit into Magnum condoms. Because underneath the airbrushed shell of celebrities lies a squished-up, probably slightly pungent ballsack or labia that is no different from yours or ours. We are all the same. Although to be fair, it was comforting to know that Ariana Grande isn’t a cyborg alien …

8. The Jefferson County School Board

Rewriting history is cool if you’re going to say things like “Malcolm X invented soft kisses,” but that’s not the kind of historical rewriting that the Jefferson County School Board proposed this year for their high school kids. That kind, dear readers, involved deleting historical events from the history books that “encourage or promote civil disorder,” essentially keeping kids in the dark about our nation’s rich and vital history of protest and dissidence.

A massive controversy erupted throughout the school district after conservative school board member Julie Williams revealed a plan to revise the Advanced Placement U.S. history curriculum to “promote patriotism, respect for authority, and free enterprise and to guard against educational materials that ‘encourage or condone civil disorder.’” Williams said she believes that the current AP curriculum in American history places an excessive emphasis on “race, gender, class, ethnicity, grievance and American-bashing.”

By her standards, students might not have learned about the Vietnam protests, the desegregation movement, or any other human or civil rights movement for that matter. We’re not sure if they’re trying to turn children into docile future soldiers or not, but one thing’s for sure: Dissent is in our nation’s blood. If it wasn’t, we’d be another suburb of England right now, replete with terrible teeth and the ability to claim The Beatles came from the same flesh and blood as you did.

9. Ebola

Perhaps nothing this year made people shit themselves more than the idea of shitting themselves after hemorrhaging out of their eyes in an Ebola-induced fever. Yep, there’s no doubt about it: Ebola gave us a pretty good scare in 2014. Due to its insistence that everyone must die and the fact that we spent our savings on a lifetime supply of latex gloves and facemasks to avoid it, we’re gonna go ahead and call it 2014’s most dickhead disease.

And while it didn’t quite turn out to be the crazed epidemic we expected in the U.S., other countries haven’t been so lucky. So far this year, over 5,000 people have died in eight countries from Ebola, thanks to its insanely high 70% mortality rate, poor medical infrastructures in less developed countries and its ability to hide its host like a scared bitch for up to 21 days before exhibiting symptoms.

At press time, the U.S. has only had four reported cases of Ebola, but the deadliest Ebola outbreak in history continues to affect Guinea, Liberia and Sierra Leone the most. We haven’t seen a disease this hell-bent on ruining everyone’s lives since Restless Leg Syndrome became a thing.

10. FBI agents who shut down the Silk Road (and our hopes of ordering deep web crack)

For a brief period of time, there existed a shining beacon of hope in the darkness that’s become the Interwebz, and that shimmering ray of light was called the Silk Road. It was a place of magic and pleasure — a place where you could use cryptocurrency to make anonymous purchases of whatever narcotic or likewise illicit substance you wanted. It was like the Domino’s of drugs, and it was a hell of a lot easier than going through your molly dealer, Big Killa, who got that name for a reason.

But the FBI, being the fun police that they are, had been monitoring that shit all along, and shut down the glorious Silk Road in 2013. They even stifled an attempt by another enterprising internet drug lord to start a Silk Road 2.0 in November of this year. And while the FBI is just doing their job protecting the children, they’re not protecting us from Big Killa, whose LSD isn’t even worth the terrifying interaction with his pusher. Let. Us. Buy. Deep. Web. Crack. Okay?

11. Gluten

Surely the undisputed public enemy of today’s society is none other than gluten, the dreaded wheat protein. In fact, given the monumental push by your friends and lovers demonize it, we’re surprised it wasn’t a hotly debated ballot issue this year. And nowhere is this Gluten- geddon more prevalent than our home state of Colorado, where our ever-so-health-conscious proclivities rule our daily lives more than the rise and fall of the sun. We mean, we don’t keep winning Skinniest Tiny Trim Figure State because we’re eating bread sandwiches, know what we mean?

Colorado is so anti-gluten, in fact, that Denver was recently ranked as the country’s 7th most gluten-free city by a GrubHub study. And it’s because of this widespread gluten holocaust that we’ve had to put things like rice pasta and an ungodly amount of quinoa in our mouths. We haven’t been able to eat a single pizza bagel without suffering the burning glares of the résistance du rye bread for months. We can’t even go into Olive Garden without having to make up for it with tears and an adequate amount of community service.

And recently, with studies coming out saying gluten allergies might not exist at all, we’re beginning to think all this pain was just part of gluten’s evil plan to make us suffer. Thanks gluten, but if we wanted to suffer that much, we’d cut out bacon and porn.

12. Boulder City Council

Where do we start with you, Boulder City Council? Making dispensary coupons illegal for no good reason? Your militant need to shut down 4/20 every year? Pretending like democracy doesn’t exist and bypassing a city vote to enact legislation to ban vape pens and e-cigarettes pretty much everywhere … without input from the medical community or the civilians whose health you’ve sworn to protect? You’ve got publicly available official city documents that acknowledge things like this “might not be enforceable given police staffing realities” and might make Boulder seem “intolerant, inclusive and not welcoming.” You even say these policies might negatively target the “transient or homeless population.”

Whoa. What kind of nefarious Stepford shit are you guys up to? You’re thirsty for our rights, municipal Boulder government, and we’re sick of giving them up to you. It’s dehydrating. Whatever happened to Boulder’s legacy of free LSD and Nobel Prize cult orgies?

13. Catcallers

For whatever reason, 2014 was the year that catcallers got called out. In August, BuzzFeed posted a video called “What Men Are Really Saying When Catcalling Women.” In September, they posted a video called “If Women Catcalled Men.” Somewhere around that time, Playboy made a flowchart that went viral called “Should You Catcall,” which basically came to the conclusion that you should not, unless your target is a cat. And finally, there was that “10 Hours of Walking in NYC as a Woman” by YouTube user StreetHarrasmentVideo, which was parodied to no end.

All these social media efforts to highlight catcalling caught on like wildfire, and suddenly, every blog, news outlet and site with a “www.” prefix was tearing catcallers a new one. Men were cut down to size and emasculated by Internet-wide claims that society makes them feel like they have to objectify women in order to feel relevant and sexually potent.

And while that may be true, we still think shouting “You’re like warm Mountain Dew! Still pretty good, but should be kept in the garage!” is a pretty good pick-up move.

14. Whoever keeps stealing our yogurt from the fridge

Look, punk ass. We’re onto you. Don’t think you can get away with stealing our yogurt. Yeah, the yogurt that was clearly marked “Do not eat unless you wanna get your ass kicked!!!” You must have skipped the day in school where they taught you to read because you mom was too busy naked wrestling with your step-dad Mark to drive you, causing you to drown your sorrows in the only available container: a blueberry Yoplait yogurt! That’s right, dick, we just psychoanalyzed your lactobacillus-loving ass!

We know you need yogurt bad. In fact, that’s why we’ve hired this private investigator. He used to be a C.I.A. operative, so we think he can handle your dairy antics. Let’s see you steal our Key Lime Pie Dannon Oikos from behind bars, yogurt yeti! Your ass is about to be creamy, probiotic-filled grass. No one messes with our healthful mid-day snack, not even you.

And a final thought on North Korea …

Beginning with North Korea. North Korea did not make this list because North Korea always has been, and always will be, a mondo-sized anus with daddy issues when it comes to its international affairs program. You know this. We know this. Your little six year old niece knows this.

So while their hissy fit surrounding the release of Seth Rogen and James Franco's movie "The Interview" and their numerous small-dick inspired rocket launches and posturing bomb tests were most definitely preeminent moments n 2014 asshole-ism, consider them to be honorary members of every list of this persuasion, ever. If this list was a whale, North Korea would be those little sucker-fish that eat bacteria off it to live; they're always there, always annoying, and by no means confined to 2014.

Also … Bill Cosby! Dick.