Sex, drugs, and Mahjong.
Aging brings much more than a 10 percent senior discount and the ability to wear the same gray sweatpants for 72 days in a row. Getting older is like slipping into a constant state of graceful, humorous complaining accompanied by poor driving skills and a constant 50/50 ratio of Bourbon to red blood cells, but everyone forgives you because you lived through 'Nam or whatever.
Here are a few other benefits of earning your AARP membership card.
1. Larry David Syndrome
The Great Wall forgot your extra sweet and sour, the DMV lady intentionally skipped over your number while side eyeing the shit out of you, or the barista gave you coconut milk instead of soy, god forbid. A millennial bitching about these minor inconveniences is about as annoying as our 6 a.m. “Marimba” alarm, but cotton-ball topped geriatric grumbling about any of the above is like Larry David meets New York Jewish Mother, a.k.a. fucking hilarious. Being old automatically gives you license to roast anyone for anything, and because you have so much time on your hands, you can really work yourself into an adorable froth of anger because the bagel place is making square bagels now.
2. Soft foods
One word: pudding.
3. Bye bye, vanity
Vanity vanishes the moment you trip over your own labia or your eye bags are so full someone offers to help carry them to your car. Shit starts sagging, turning gray, and disappearing only to reappear in inappropriate places, and you have less teeth than you had at birth. Aging is pretty damn humbling, but as an 80 year-old, you've embraced it. You don't have to care what you look like, you're responsible for giving life to three kids and therefore all eleven of your grandchildren!
The competition is just as old and age-spotted as you are anyway, and now scoring some aged ass during bingo night relies more on wit and charm, not a full set of pearly whites. So much less superficial.
4. Awesome-er friends
It’s quality over quantity at this point. Once you hit 60, your true friends are the ones you can pass gas in front of, leave your dentures in the Polident with, and honestly admit that you'd rather be in bed than going to someone's grandson’s graduation dinner. That's true friendship.
5. Low-impact exercise
Ever seen the elderly during a water aerobics class? They are having the fucking time of their lives. Floating in waist deep, 80-degree water, gossiping about Ethel’s new boyfriend while wearing floaties? Come on. Gone are the days of dead-lifting hundreds of pounds without breaking a sweat in the hopes of impressing that cute girl on the elliptical. No more bullshit Brazilian butt exercises. At 70, the cartilage surrounding your knee-caps is as thin and worn as the stripper’s thong you won in New Orleans, so your obligation to exercise is over. It’s long strolls and gentle stretching from here on out.
6. Release of sexual inhibition
As a young adult, we pretend to love swallowing or going down on each other for hours when we really want a well-timed finger in the ass hole but are just too afraid to say it. As a senior citizen, you no longer give any fucks to what your bedroom pal thinks. The pubic hair is long and gray and you're sexually experienced enough to BOTH cum on the first try. Plus, you could die any minute, so if you're gonna try out that BDSM fetish, it's now or never.
7. It's an excuse to not understand computers
As a millennial, you're automatically expected to be a member of the Geek Squad. Given that your life is completely reliant on technology, why shouldn't you control the internet? You should. You should also understand how text messages are able to get from one person in California to another in Colorado but not before going to space. And how to download things with torrents. And you should definitely be able to repair a virus-infected computer with a quick stroke of the keys.
Too bad you know NOTHING about ANY of this. When it comes to technology, you're inept. You're secretly no better off than a pilgrim. But once your entire head turns gray, you're off the hook. You can return to living in the Dark Ages and your utter confusion about technology and how to use it will be weathered by the children you've given life to. Thanks for uploading the WiFi to the iPad, sweetie.
8. You instantly become a valued sage and storyteller
We’ve seen some weird shit and done some even weirder shit. All for the sake of a good story, and now that we’ve taken up permanent residence on the front porch, everyone's gonna hear about it. Family, friends, neighbors, the homeless man that collects lunchboxes and mutters to himself, all stop in to ask advice or hear a crazy story from their aging matriarch/patriarch. We tried our whole life to get followers, likes, or just the occasional ear to blab into. Now we have a captive audience.
9. It’s 12 o’clock somewhere
No more waiting for happy hour, work to finish up, or hitting those #fitness #goals. What’s going to make your stories better? Why, a little bit of vodka in that refreshing summer lemonade. We’re not driving ever since we became myopic. Plus, we have to start day drinking sooner in order to make it to Golden Corral’s A.Y.C.E. buffet for the early bird special, Jeopardy at 7, and bed by 8. It’s a packed schedule and we’ll need some liquid courage. Maybe not need, but want and we’ve earned it.
10. Crazy looks good on the elderly
Taking up two parking spots, forgetting our wallet, or setting our wig on fire with the lit end of a joint are endearingly tolerated when it’s the over-fifty crowd. Popping your dental bridge in and out to scare the grandkids is quickly becoming a favorite pastime. As is pretending we don’t remember how to get to the grocery store so someone else has to go for us is as cute as it gets. Our brains have been functioning under jobs, stress, and binge drinking for a majority of our lives and it’s time to give them a rest and give into the crazy.
11. Little to no responsibility
The kids – if we’ve had any – are out of the house. The current job is crocheting knit scarves, making an eight a.m. tee time, or pruning the hedges into little dog shapes. If we don’t get to any of them because there is a Golden Girls marathon on, then so be it. Once we’ve paid the utilities bill at the first of the month, the next 29 days are allll ours. This goes hand in hand with why we probably take up something close to alcoholism in our later years.
12. No more roommates
Sure, it’s a lot of fun bunking with our college best friend in the first years of professionalism. Coming home to someone who also had a shitty day and desires to drown sorrows in a magnum of red wine is comforting. However, stepping on a used condom that just missed the trash can is much less comforting. Unless we’ve decided to always live with a rando from Craigslist, we can bet that our senior status also earns us the ability and right and desire to live alone … Except for Angela, the live-in nurse. She feeds us pudding.
13. Sleepin’ in
We have no specific place to be in the morning and can now make up for all the sleep we missed in the first half century of life. Although we may be waking up to a wet bed, flaccid penis, or dentures in a jar, at least we’re not waking up before nine. There’s time to dilly dally, lounge in the warmth of our nice bed linens (that we can finally afford), or even grab a cup of coffee and return to the recesses of our bedrooms because the whole reason we woke up at all was to nap shortly after our breakfast of cottage cheese and cantalope.
14. We can do whatever the fuck we want
Now is our chance to never wear a bra again. Always wanted to own five large dogs or drive a golf cart as the primary mode of transportation? Do it up. Hosting an orgy with our bridge club members is entirely possible. There’s no judgment anymore from peers or family. And if there is, we don’t give two fucks. We’ve on death’s door so might as well go out with a bang.
Jack Nicholson cautioned us to never pass up a bathroom, never waste a boner, and most definitely to never, EVER, trust a fart. With those tips in mind, we’re looking forward to senior citizenship. Discounted movie tickets ain’t so bad either.